Sammy Hagar had an alien encounter - well, it explains the hair

Seriously, who wouldn't want to abduct
that and see what's
going on in that man's head?

Sammy Hagar: Aliens 'were plugged into me'

Sammy Hagar isn't kidding. He says he really was abducted by aliens.

Good for him. I can say a lot of things, but that doesn’t make them true. Let me tell you, if it worked like that, a lot of things in my life would be different. But valiant effort there, Sammy.

While promoting his new book, Red: My Uncensored Life in Rock, which includes tales of sex, drugs and rock and roll, the former Van Halen singer told MTV Hive.com all about it.

Wait a minute, let me get this straight – he’s out promoting a book and he says something controversial like “I was abducted by aliens.” Purely coincidental.

Hagar, 63, says in his book that it was a dream, in which he was contacted by aliens in the foothills above Fontana, Calif.

No, his ghostwriter said it was a dream. Because no respectable writer would actually write that tripe.

Wait for it …

But now he's saying, "It was real. [Aliens] were plugged into me. It was a download situation. This was long before computers or any kind of wireless. There weren't even wireless telephones. Looking back now, it was like ... 'They downloaded something into me!' Or they uploaded something from my brain, like an experiment. 'See what this guy knows.'"

Is this what they plugged into you, Sammy? That was just
a crazy Friday night with your kinky girlfriend.

Oh, so what’s in your book is a lie – good to know. I’m going to go take it off my NookBook wishlist now that I know that. What a shock, Sammy Hagar, the man who ruined Van Halen, now ruined his own book. It seems to be a skill he’s got down pat.

Maybe they downloaded a governor into your head which is why you can’t drive 55.

And this actually happened?

Well, a lot can happen when you spend the 80s in a drug-induced haze.

"That happened. That friggin' happened, I'll tell you right now. Another thing happened when I was about four that I didn't put into the book. One time I saw what I considered to be, well, at the time I thought it was a car with no wheels. We lived out in the country and I saw this thing floating across a field, creating this big dust storm. I threw rocks at it and ... I don't know what happened after that."

Man, it’s not in the book? I’m so glad I took it off my wishlist at this point. I can’t tell you how many useless 80s musicians I’ve read their bios just hoping for juicy stories from before they started school. Once again, I am sorely disappointed. Dammit.

A thing floating across a field, creating a big dust storm … was it, maybe a crop duster? Or maybe … a dust storm? Nope, surely it had to be aliens. That was my next choice, really.

You blacked out?

"I guess. I just have no memory of it. And that wasn't a dream. It was during daylight."

One: “I just have no memory of it.” YOU WERE FOUR! Generally, by the time we’re in our teens we don’t necessarily remember the intimate details of when we were four. By the time we’re 63, after spending a large chunk of our lives cracked-out and drunk, you’re entirely lucky you wake up in the morning and remember your own name, let alone the details of an “alien invasion” when you were four.

Two: “It was during daylight.” But obviously it can’t be a dream because it was during daylight. Hmmm, have you ever taken a nap? I know I have. Have you ever had a dream featuring a course of events that took place during the day? I know I have. But what do I know? Obviously the rules are different when you’re Sammy Hagar.

What do you like on your breakfast sandwich?

At select Subways across the country (the globe, perhaps), you can get a breakfast sub. Woohoo.

But, perhaps taking away the joy that is my French Toast Sticks from Burger King aside, the commercial for Subway breakfast sandwiches sucks.

Why?

Because Jared Fogle's not dead yet.

Why not? Why is Subway extending his 15 minutes until all that's left is a musty breath coughing out the pocket of his 50-some-odd inch waisted pants.

I thought I heard Jared's days at Subway were over. Or maybe I just hoped that was the case. When South Park did the episode proclaiming Jared lost all the weight because he had aides, I really hoped we were done with him.

But no, he's still hocking sandwiches. Apparently well, too, because Subway's growing like crazy. Shoot, in rinky-dink Georgetown we have at least five Subways - that's more than the number of Burger Kings and McDonald's combined.

He's gained some of the weight back. You think that'd be enough to derail the Subway, but I guess not.

So, now, here he is, asking Kerri Strugg what she wants on her breakfast sandwich. (Well, I think it's Kerri Strugg. All those tiny little gymnasts look the same anyway.)

I don't care what you put on my breakfast sandwich, so long as it has nothing to do with Jared Fogle.

What would you do-o-o-o for a Klondike bar?

Don’t ask me why, but the Klondike bar commercial has been running through my head for the last 20 minutes.

Made me think back to how dumb some people are. I mean, sure, I’d bark like a dog for a free Klondike bar. Who wouldn’t? But stand naked in front of 300 people harping like a seal, standing on one foot, while cutting someone else’s hair? Not on your life. Shoot, I don’t even know that you could convince this tone-deaf woman to belt out the jingle all off-key to get one. That’s just crazy talk. I like my ice cream as much as the next guy (in come cases more), but there comes a point where I’ll plunk down the $3 for six of the wonderful ice creamy-goodness as opposed to embarrassing myself. Which is why, in reality, that jingle was kind of stupid.

Let’s look into other ones…

“Food, folks and fun”

Good ol’ McDonald’s. Okay, I think you can loosely call what you get at McDonald’s food, so we’ll begrudgingly give them that one. Folks, well, okay, there are folks there – though some might question just how all there they might be. Fun, that one’s a stretch. Without a play area it’s not fun at all. With a play area and too many kids, it’s not fun at all. With a play area and a parent who tells you no, it’s not fun at all. With a play area and a couple bigger kids who got their kicks out of spending time hiding in the ball pit for unsuspecting little kids to land on them so they could jump up and scare the bejesus out of said little kids, it’s not fun – for the little kids. A ton of fun for the big kids. Until the parents of the little kids threw them out. Killjoys. Given the fact there are far more scenarios for no fun over the scenarios for fun, we’re going to have to call this one busted. There is no truth in advertising here.

“Have it your way, right away”

Really, have you ever really had someone at Burger King smile at you when you ordered it your way? I don’t think so. Plus, nine times out of ten they get it wrong anyway – even when they took their time about it. I mean, I’ll handle “not so right away” in order to get it my way correctly, but most of the time you can’t get either. Burger King either needs a new marketing team or they need to re-invest marketing dollars into employee training.

“It’s not fast food, it’s Wendy’s.”

Since when is Wendy’s not fast food? Ergo, this is a big, fat fail because it’s a bold-faced lie. It is fast food because it’s Wendy’s. Poor Dave Thomas is spinning in his grave right now. (And might I add, they abandoned that one pretty quickly. Probably because people pointed out the mind-numbing, head-spinning stupidity those six words produced.)

“Where kids area big deal”

Okay, so, seriously, as an adult, finding someone to help at Toys R Us has been a challenge – I can’t even imagine a four-year-old trying to track someone down for help. Being that this is where kids are a big deal, the employees should make a big deal over them, but they instead, spend their time avoiding them and cursing them when they knock over a display of stuffed animals. (To be fair, I have encountered one Toys R Us employee who was absolutely great. But given the number of employees in the store, and the number of times I’ve been there, that might as well count for nilch.)

I contend that “Where a kid can be a kid” is so much cooler. The problem being, I’m sure they had to change it because parents were dropping their kids off at Toys R Us to just be kids, and the store suffered as a result. “But Mom, it said I can be a kid, so I broke it. Cause that’s what kids do.”

“Eat mor chikin”

Genius Chick-Fil-A. I mean, using cows to hock chicken is genius in and of itself, but to spell it wrong? Talk about an attention-getter. However – the ultimate problem here is that the spokescows are dairy cows, not beef cows. Dairy cows shouldn’t really care about anything, they are good as long as they produce milk. So, really, the spokescows shouldn’t be the black and white Holsteins, but rather Angus or Guernseys, but, well, only the geeky daughter of a woman who grew up on a dairy farm would a) notice and b) care about that.

“G double-o d, good.”

KFC’s new slogan is enough to make me want to scream. First of all, it sounds like a freakin’ boy band. Come on, didn’t we realize that was a fad that could die a quick death about seven years ago? (Rascal Flatts, a little slow on the uptake, please take notice.) I mean, no need to resurrect it in a KFC commercial.

Singing aside, let’s address the meat of the jingle (pun intended). G double-o d, good. Really? There is nothing g double-o d, good at KFC. Far less something so good that I want to sing about it. Unless we’re talking g-r-o double-s, gross. (Unfortunately that doesn’t flow. Might explain why they went with good instead of gross for the jingle.) Oh, and were they explicitly using “double-o” to make reference to the Double-Down, which is seriously one of the most disgusting things I think I’ve ever seen. Atkins-friendly, yes it is. Widow-making, yes it is. Eww.

Oh, and don’t get me started on the Blue Bell ice cream song. If you haven’t heard it, consider yourself lucky. Trust me, hearing that jingle makes me want to go out and buy some Breyers just to put Blue Bell out of business so I don’t have to hear that jingle again.

Now, I’m not all anti-jingle. I still love “The Freshmaker,” even though Mentos is hardly a freshmaker. That would be some ninth-grade pimple-faced kid who is desperate to get to second base before summer vacation starts.

Who can forget about “double, double your enjoyment; double, double your excitement; oh no single gum double freshens your mouth like Doublemint; Doublemint gum.” (Yes, that’s all from memory, I did not look it up.) Juicy Fruit’s is similarly addicting, but Doublemint wins. Juicy Fruit may be able to move you, but Doublemint double freshens your mouth – how can you compete with that? (Especially if you are the aforementioned pimple-faced ninth-grader who is looking to get fresh with some unsuspecting girl.)

I know I missed some, so feel free to leave a comment to add to either list. :)

My Gold Envelope has it all wrong

While Munchkin naps, I have Food Network on as background noise. I don't really pay a whole lot of attention, as I'm usually looking for jobs or something. But one thing I have noticed is that the commercials for My Gold Envelope are on all the damn time. It's like you see it every commercial break.

Here's the thing, I think they've got it all wrong.

Think about it, their commercials are on primarily during the day. What's your main audience at that time? Stay at home moms, who are probably married and have extensive jewelry collections they can't part with. Hello.

No, here's what they need to do to make their advertising campaign more effective.

1) Advertise in divorce attorneys' offices. I mean, who is more likely to want to get rid of some jewelry than a woman who has gone through a bitter divorce. Have the lawyers send an envelope with their final bill. Perhaps people will send in their gold so they can pay the divorce attorney ... it's a win-win for two businesses.

2) Focus your commercial budget on late-night TV and infomercials. Why? Well, as an unemployed individual, I can tell you insomnia is a regular problem for those who don't work. When you can't sleep, you often end up flipping channels at weird times of the night. It's then that you are most susceptible to crazy ideas, like sending in your gold to get some sort of income.

3) Along the lines of preying on the unemployed, put banner ads on job search sites like CareerBuilder, Monster, etc. It gets super frustrating to search for jobs day after day with no results, so I'm sure some people might be willing to click the banner ad because of the desperation for money.

Furthermore, I really hate the commercial. I won't make you guess, I'll share! :) On the commercial, they talk about how you can use the money towards a vacation, or a new flat-screen TV.

First and foremost, I have a big problem with people telling me what I can and can't use my money for. What if I want to use it for something practical, like paying off my credit card debt or an extra mortgage payment? Or what if one of those recently divorced individuals wants to use it on something frivolous like a prostitute or a mail-order bride?

Honestly, I don't think anyone ever suffers from that "What can I spend my new-found money on?" Just last night I was thinking about all the things I'd do around the house if we won the Powerball. I just don't think anyone needs help figuring out what to spend money on, and for shame at the presumption some marketing guy needs to take it upon himself to do such a thing.

Here's my new commercial...
"Hey, you ... yeah, you, the recently divorced woman who won't be getting an alimony check. Do you want to get rid of all the jewelry that cheating bastard bought for you? Don't just throw it away ... and don't take it to the pawn shop. Send it to us so you'll get what it's worth (*snicker*). Just call this number, we'll send you an envelope and all you do is put all your jewelry from that douchebag in the envelope and in days, we'll send you a check. Then all you have to do is cash it and go out and spend it. And everyone knows a divorcee's best therapy is retail therapy. Let us help!"

Are people really this insecure?

Because the Munchkin likes music, when we're not watching her cartoons, I often have CMT on. It's interesting to see commercials on CMT that you won't see anywhere else. For example, I see more ASPCA and Humane Society of the United States (HSUS) commercials than anything else - and those commercials are so freakin' sad, and I already donate to those charities and they still make me cry!

But that's not the point. I saw an infomercial for these things you put in your shoes that make you up to two inches taller. All for just $19.95. Are people really that insecure that they need to make themselves taller?

Now I understand, yes, people wear heels. I do it all the time. But you wear heels because a) they match your outfit, b) to make your ass look good, c) or both. I actually wear some heels because my pants are too long and it keeps them from dragging the ground.

Regardless, I do not wear heels because I'm insecure about my height. I like my height. I don't mind jokes about it. It is who I am. I wouldn't want to be six feet tall.

So why the hell would I spend $19.95 for something made of neoprene that makes me two inches taller? What's the point?

Wouldn't it be weird if you hung out with someone who wore those some of the time, but not all the time? "Hey, , I swear you were taller than me yesterday. What gives?"

Then has to sheepishly admit "I wear lift-kits in my shoes."

I mean, seriously, what do you say to that? And what does say to defend the action when the jokes start pouring in mercilessly? (I'm sure the jokes about shoe lift-kits will be tenfold more than the jokes about being short. I'm just saying.)

Sigh. They'll sell anything to make money, won't they?