OMG, it's worse than snakes on a motherf*&kin' plane!

Cancer patient denied seat on flight

You know, when you first read that headline, you get irritated. I mean, of all the people to be an ass to, it’s someone who is internally fighting the fight of their life.

Korean Airlines denied a woman diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer a seat on a Seattle-to-South Korea flight because she looked too frail to fly.
Now you read this and think, “aww, that’s kind of sweet of them, looking out for her best interest and all.”

Of course, then you sit back and think about the wonderful caliber of people who take your ticket, scan it, and hand it back to you while muttering, “Enjoy your flight,” never once looking up … and these derelicts actually stopped her?

Let’s be fair, it could have been one of a bunch of people you deal with getting on a plane. But in all of the people I have dealt with, from checking in my bags to TSA to gate attendant, I have never, ever had anyone pay enough attention to me to care. If I was having a nervous breakdown (which I take Xanex to prevent when flying, thank you very much), I don’t know that they’d be paying enough attention to me to stop me from flying.

Crystal Kim had approval from two doctors and a note clearing her to fly over the weekend, according to KING5-TV, NBC News' local affiliate in Seattle. The carrier thought Kim might not be up for the long flight, Korean Air spokesperson Penny Pfaelzer said.
Now you land in super-pissed-off land. The woman had a doctor’s note, nay, two doctor’s notes clearing her to fly, but Korean Air, in all their infinite wisdom didn’t think that was good enough. Since when is Korean Air more medically-informed than two M.Ds?

Pfaelzer said the carrier arranged a hotel for the Kims while it attempted to get proper authorization. She said other passengers would be "traumatized" if a passenger were to die in flight, and called the situation unfortunate.
Yeah, well, judging by how awesome the carrier sounds, I bet it was like a Motel 6 or something.

Okay, let’s think about this “other passengers would be traumatized if a passenger were to die in flight” bit. It’s not like it’s never happened, and shoot, it happens in movies and TV shows all the time. (Remember the House episode, anyone?)

Plus, the fact is, anyone could walk on a plane and die – sudden heart attack, unknown health malady, brain aneurysm, and a myriad of other things could happen to anyone on the flight. It seems insanely wrong to discriminate against this woman because she’s already sick. The nerve of some people.

"I wanted to take my mom there for Mother's Day," said Mimi Kim, Crystal's daughter.
Elitist reporter note: Bad transition. We’re talking about the airline fearing she’d die, and the next sentence is “I wanted to take my mom there for Mother’s Day.” Bad, bad editor. Someone slap the editor with a ruler, and a red pen.

But I do find it very sweet she wanted to take her mom to Korea for Mother’s Day. Wow, I wish I had the money to jet around the world for Mother’s Day. Every holiday a new excuse to travel!

The Kims went back to the doctor Monday to get another note, the younger Kim told KING-TV. "Her vitals are normal ... she is fit for travel," she said.
She had to go get a third note? Really? The poor woman’s going to lose her battle with cancer before this gets resolved.

The airline reportedly was still dissatisfied, and left Seattle on Monday without the Kims.
What the hell does it take to make these people happy? I’m guessing since they didn’t wrap the doctor’s note around a stack of large bills.

"It's absolutely ludicrous, heartless and unbelievable," Mimi Kim said.
Yeah, what she said.

Delta Air Lines said it would fly Kim to South Korea on Wednesday, KING5-TV reported.
I hope for free and first class. I hope Korean Air refunded the money. Plus any charges incurred by the doctor to get the notes. Oh, and her pain and suffering. Quite frankly, Korean Air should be paying for all of her cancer treatments just so they don’t have to fear her dying in flight next time because, you know, they took it upon themselves to make sure she was healthy enough to fly – doctors be damned.

A call to Korean Air's corporate office in Seoul was answered by a person who said Tuesday is a national holiday, and said to call back Wednesday. Several Asian countries celebrate Buddha's Birthday, which falls on May 10 this year.
If it was a national holiday, and no one was there, why did someone answer the phone at all?

Am I the only one who thinks their logo looks like the
Pepsi logo?

Korean Air's marketing department in Los Angeles has not yet responded to an e-mail from msnbc.com.
I’m not surprised, because msnbc.com is going to rip them a new one and paint them poorly in the press.

A call to Delta also has not been returned.
This surprises me. I would think they’d be all over the good publicity. Then again, maybe they just wanted to do something nice for the sake of being nice. Are there still people/companies like that out there anymore? (Save for Chick-Fil-A, of course, we know they do.)

Leopards never change their spots (haha, and neither will I)

Child attacked by leopard at Kansas zoo

A child on a school outing was attacked by a leopard at a Wichita, Kansas, zoo, authorities said Friday.
Can you imagine the conversation that night over the dinner table?

“So, sweetheart, how was your field trip to the zoo? Did you see anything cool?”
“I saw lions, tigers, and a kid get mauled by a leopard. It was awesome.”

The boy, a student from Linwood Elementary, was with classmates on a field trip at the Sedgwick County Zoo when, around 1:15 p.m., witnesses said, he "went over a railing" and approached the Amur leopard exhibit, said Lt. Jay McLaurian of the county sheriff's department.
First of all, that sentence is just freakin’ awful. I seriously think I’m going to go into convulsions after reading that – it’s the written equivalent of a strobe light.

Second … “went over a railing.” That just leads to way too many questions. Did he think it was a good idea to go over it willingly? Was he pushed? Was he leaning too far and just fell?

Then again, you know, perhaps he said, “Hey y’all, watch this,” right beforehand. It would be fitting.

The leopard was able to reach into the mesh covering of its enclosure and grab the boy by his head, McLaurian said.
Chomp!

I love the phrasing here (read: hate) – the leopard was able to … um, no dumbass, the leopard was not only able to, the leopard did.

The child was rescued by bystanders who rushed in and "beat the animal" away from the boy, officials said. According to McLaurian, the boy received injuries to his face and neck and was taken to a hospital for treatment.
Beat the animal away from the boy? Really? Was it like an angry mob with sticks? Umm, hello, did any of you think that, possibly, maybe, if you pissed that leopard off that you might be next?

He is expected to "be OK," McLaurian said.
What awkward sentence structure. I mean, to put quotes around just “be OK.” But how reassuring that he is expected to be OK, I mean, wouldn’t it suck to be like, “Well, yeah, we got him there, but we don’t expect him to make it through the night.”

The boy, who is 7 years old, was in fair condition Friday afternoon at Via Christi Hospital on St. Francis in Wichita, CNN affiliate KWCH said.
Just fair? He’s expected to be OK but he’s only in fair condition? I would have expected good or stable or something. To me, fair is one step above critical or serious. Well, you know, it is Kansas, what do they know there other than wheat farming?

Students from several Sedgwick County schools were at the zoo on Friday and witnessed the attack, and the school district immediately took steps to notify parents, according to Susan Arensman, spokeswoman for Wichita Schools.
What involved notifying parents? Sending home a letter?

“Dear parents:
Today, while your child was on a field trip to the local zoo, your child may have witnessed various wild animals and an incident of ‘When Animals Attack.’ Be prepared for awkward dinner conversation and possible nightmares. Rest assured, though, the child attacked by a wild animal is in the hospital, in fair condition, and is expected to be OK. No harm, no foul.
Sincerely,
The Wichita City Public School System"

"One of our first-graders was injured by one of the animals," a letter that was sent home to parents whose children attended the same school as the victim read.
Oh, man, that sort of takes the fun out of the previous smart-assed comment. Dammit.

A similar letter was also sent home to parents from other Wichita schools.
Oh, yay, trees killed mercilessly. And how much you want to bet the letter wasn’t even read by 95 percent of the parents. God knows I hardly ever gave papers to my parents unless, of course, their being signed was part of my homework credit or something. Ever the over-achiever, I would always make sure I did that. Yep, loser, I know.

Shortly after the attack, school officials assembled a crisis team to help the students process what happened, and assure them that the victim would be OK, said Arensman.
A crisis team, really? 

"Counselors will also be available on Monday to offer additional help to students," Arensman said.
Counselors. Honestly? Is this really necessary?

“I just can’t concentrate on my math. Every time I look at those numbers, I think of Jimmy – he loved math – and I see his head as a snack for that giant cat. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to do math again.”

The zoo was evacuated for a short time after the attack but remained opened after the incident, officials said.
Evacuated? Because a leopard noshed on a kid’s head THROUGH some netting? First of all, the leopard got the snack it so desperately wanted, so I’m sure it wasn’t really a threat with a full belly. In fact, it probably just wanted a nap after that. Second, it’s not like it was free-range, running through the zoo. The story gave no indication it ate through the mesh surrounding it, so I doubt it was a threat to anyone.

Amur leopards, which are listed as an endangered species, can grow to 4 to 6½ feet long and weigh anywhere from 60 to 150 pounds, the zoo's website says. They are native to Far Eastern Russia and northern China.
Wait, they are an endangered species – isn’t beating an animal on the endangered species list  a crime? Uh oh, look out – you guys may have saved that kid, but committed a crime in the process. Last I knew, seven-year-olds were not an endangered species … I’m just saying. (Okay, it was a joke, relax.)

Come on, you know I had an opinion about Bin Laden (warning - conservative content ahead)

I’m going to warn you all this post is going to be all over the place. Be prepared for an ADD-style post.

Okay, so the news comes out yesterday that Bin Laden is (finally) dead – shot in the left eye by Navy SEALS (based out of Virginia Beach – way to go boys back home!). I’m not saying it’s a bad thing he’s dead, however, it’s not reason to celebrate in the streets. It will get worse, someone will take over Al Quada – it’s not like you cut off the head and the body dies. No, it will regenerate, and be even more pissed off. Be prepared. I feel sorry for anyone flying in the next few days – the TSA is going to be crazy insane. (Which is funny because do you really think they are going to do it the same way a second time? Highly unlikely. But now is not the time for my reactive TSA-policies rant.)

My thoughts on Islam tradition
Last night, moments after the news was announced, they said the body was in U.S. custody. Which sent me into a tailspin because I fully believe that was wrong. I don’t care if you had to DNA test the body (yet other stories claim he was identified via facial recognition), Muslims have their own rituals regarding death, and I don’t care how much he was hated, he deserved as much to have his body handled in the way his religion dictated. Some people might argue that he didn’t deserve anything. That’s fine, believe what you want. But if it were a U.S. soldier who was killed, don’t you think we’d throw a fit if his body was not immediately shipped back here so we could do whatever it is that would need to be done?

I admit, I did make the low-blow joke on my Facebook page that, of course Obama will make sure the rituals are followed since he is a Muslim. Look, it was a joke. I don’t care what religion he is. This country was founded on religious tolerance. For the love of all things holy, let’s not be the biggest hypocrites in the world. (We get enough of that for other things.)

A story was placed on Reuters that Obama was making sure to adhere to Muslim traditions. According to the news this morning, he was buried at sea 12 hours after his death.

Of course, no one knows if the traditions regarding prayers and body cleansing were followed. By all rights, doesn’t his family deserve to be the ones to dispose of the body and not the U.S. government? That just seems a little cocky on our part.

I did read a story that ripped them to shreds for burying him at sea, as it was not Islamic custom. I did a little bit more internet digging – and whereas it’s not the preferred method (as is evidenced by the Wiki site this story quoted), it is an option if it is feared that an enemy may dig up the grave and exhume the dead body and amputate its ears or nose or other limbs, it should be lowered into sea, if possible.

Other Muslim scholars are up in arms over it because burial at sea is only permitted if death occurred on a ship. I don’t claim to be a scholar of Islam, but I find it extremely arrogant on the part of the United States to have handled it. It was not our place. Particularly if those performing the act are not versed in Muslim culture (which, generally speaking, they are not – unless, of course, Obama really is Muslim).

The only way we could have provided a bigger slap in the face to the nation of Islam and its traditions is if we cremated the body, which is, in fact, not allowed. Period. End of story. But they have their rites and rituals and it is cocky as hell of us to say, “nope, sorry, cause he masterminded and funded multiple attacks on American citizens, we’re going to say the hell with your religion and do what we want.”

Okay … beat that one into the ground … of course, that is my biggest pet peeve regarding this whole thing.

Virginia Beach-based SEAL team did the deed
I’m very proud to have the ties to Virginia Beach I do, I always have been. I’m proud of our military and what they do, and I’m proud to have as much military in our family as we do. I think it’s awesome that a SEAL team from Virginia Beach did the deed.

However, one might need to remember, it might have been prudent to keep that information secret. As one of the posts on the story said, “These people have families here, and now they will be a target for violence.” I hope names are not released for that very reason.

If you think I’m grasping at straws for this one, think again. I happen to know someone whose husband was taken POW during the Iran Contra affair, and they lived in a perpetual state of paranoia. She never went to and from work the same way twice in a row, she received disturbing phone calls … and this was just because he was a POW, not someone who killed a prominent leader in a terrorist group. You have to think these guys, and their families, while heroes stateside, are the enemy to the members of the terrorist group.

Obama deserves no credit for this
Sorry guys, he didn’t pull the trigger. He doesn’t deserve to be heralded as the hero. Sure, he authorized the op – but any president, regardless of who it was, would have to, and would have. It’s not rocket science.

It’s a little too convenient
Alright now I get to go into conspiracy theory mode, because it’s fun.

Obama’s having a rough time. He’s getting shit on by the Republicans because of the economy. So, what’s he do? Release a birth certificate that he should have done FOUR YEARS AGO, which provides this dog and pony show over on the side to detract from the other issues for which he’s getting harped on.

But wait, that birth certificate thing didn’t go over as well as planned. People still think it’s fake. Oh no, what can I do? I know – let’s kill Bin Laden! Woot. Nothing like a dead terrorist to make me look like a hero as I kick off my re-election campaign. Someone, please, please give me money so I can run this country into the ground for another four years!

It just seems a little too well-timed. Could it be coincidence? Possibly. I’m not going to go out on a limb and say that I know for certain this was well-orchestrated in an attempt to boost Obama’s ratings. But it does seem rather well-timed for that, doesn’t it?

There are other theories, that Al Quada actually sacrificed Bin Laden. They let this happen. He had fallen out of favor with a lot of them. He was dying of kidney disease, maybe this was his way of martyring himself.

There’s also the theory, related to the kidney disease issue, that he’s been dead for awhile, and they chose to release it when they did, to boost Obama’s ratings (see above). I can understand where people came from on this one, it’s been rumored he was dead multiple times.

I don’t have one general belief over the other. But I’m skeptical to the point that I don’t think the timing was happenstance. I don’t know why, but it just seems too surreal that Osama Bin Laden is dead. It doesn’t seem right. The man successfully eluded capture for over 10 years, and he got shot in the eye during a fire fight in a $1 million home in Pakistan? Something doesn’t add up.

Media coverage (*climbing on a higher soapbox*)
Well-known fact #1: I have a Journalism degree.
Well-known fact #2: I have been a reporter, and rather enjoyed it.
Well-known fact #3: I do NOT like the general media – which is why I am currently not a part of it.

I hate the “we have to be the first to break the story so we’ll print whatever, regardless of validity and reliability of sources.” I hate the cut-throat tactics and lack of morals. I hate that the media is controlled by politics.

The point is to present the goings-on in an unbiased fashion. Present both sides of the story so the general public can make educated decisions.

But that’s not what happens.

Because the media is so heavily divided by party lines, conservatives get half the story (the one that paints the libs in a bad light) – libs get half the story (one that paints the conservatives in a bad light), and they end up fighting over who is right and who is wrong.

Really, I think someone missed the point somewhere.

All the conflicting information regarding Osama Bin Laden’s death that floated around last night – and still today – is disgusting. Further proof the media has lost touch with its original purpose.
(*climbing off super-high soapbox*)

Grow up
Look, I understand the hurt and the pain families suffered at the hands of Bin Laden as a result of 9/11. But I’ve said this for years, and I’ll say it again, you must heal. You must move on. Your loved ones wouldn’t want you to continue this way, and there’s no way you can successfully heal until you accept it and move forward. I’ve dealt with unexpected death. I’ve dealt with suckerpunches. You get up and keep going. If you let them consume you, the enemy wins. I don’t care what happens, if you’re still mired in all of this, they still win. Which is what they wanted. Don’t let them. Use it as a learning experience. Use it to grow. Don’t use it as a crutch, hindering you from actually living your life.

Now, I’m not saying to forget 9/11. It’s a reminder that we are not invincible and we have to be ever-vigilant. It was amazing to see people unite after this happened. Because of that fact, those people did not die in vain. It’s a shame that unity within our country had to come at such a great cost, and perhaps we should use that as a lesson.

American supremacy
I will close with the fact that I despise American supremacy. (I’m a full-blown isolationist. I fully believe in keeping our business to ourselves unless otherwise requested. And even then we must proceed with caution. Fuck Teddy Roosevelt’s big stick, let’s worry about our own problems at home before we start trying to fix everyone else’s.)

The reason other countries hate us is because we go in and say, “hey, you don’t do it the way we do, you are therefore wrong, and we will destroy you – but then help build you back up in the way we see fit.” It’s arrogant. It’s rude. It’s wrong.

Anyone who doesn’t see people rejoicing in the streets over a man’s death as arrogant is not paying attention. We rejoice in the wrong things. We don’t need to rub anyone’s face in anything, as we are not without sin and therefore we do not need to be casting stones. But we do. Cause we’re a super-power and we have nukes. Yeah, and? We will also have a huge death toll when it gets nasty – which it will.

Honestly, just because Bin Laden is dead does not mean we need to go around chanting, “U.S.A.” Perhaps, if we weren’t so fucking arrogant in the first place,  Al Quada wouldn’t have to exist and they wouldn’t have had to “teach us a lesson” on 9/11. But you know, what do I know? I’m just a conservative, and according to my liberal friends, am inherently wrong because of that fact.

Okay ... not gun-toting yet. But it'll happen. :)
(Grammar Nazi note, the lack of necessary hyphens
in this graphic drives me insane.)

I will end with a note here - I'm all about generating *intelligent* conversation and introducing multiple points of view. Let us, however, please keep it civil.

By request: Ronald McDonald ALWAYS wins over cops

Coral Springs woman orders lunch from McDonald's drive-thru instead of pulling over for police

Flashing police lights apparently couldn't stop a Coral Springs woman with a fast-food craving. 

Well, you know, when you got a hunger only tacos can stop, you gotta make a run for the border. You know exactly what you’ll order, three tacos, two tostadas and a soda pop.

Police say when an officer tried to pull over Roberta Spen, 64, Monday for having faulty brake lights, she instead pulled into a McDonald's drive-thru lane and ordered lunch.
Oh, it wasn’t Taco Bell. Darn. (Shhh, I know what the headline said, but I wanted an excuse to make a South Park joke.)

Well, you know, maybe she was so hungry, she thought her hungry monster was getting a police escort.

The bizarre exchange happened along University Drive just south of Atlantic Boulevard at about 2 p.m., and it spawned an all-out police pursuit.
Woohoo, was it a 35-mph chase? Wait, those low-speed high-speed chases only happen in California.

Officer Courtney Vassell pulled up behind Spen in the drive-thru lane, and got out of the patrol car. With police lights flashing behind him, he told her to pull out into the parking lot for a traffic stop, according to a police report.
Right, and risk the fries getting cold? Surely not.

Spen, though, completed her food order, paid the bill, and then drove her bronze 2001 Chevrolet out of the parking lot and onto Northwest Sixth Court, Vassell said.
Is it just me, or does it seem extraneous to include the year, color and make of her car here?

So, she completed her order, paid the bill and drove off. Why didn’t the cop use his car to block her from leaving the drive-thru? I mean, I know the McDonald’s people would be pissed because it would totally throw off their timer, but I’m sure they’d let their numbers slide for a cop. I’m starting to think this cop is a moron.

Vassell again flipped on his siren and stopped Spen outside the McDonald's, where he said she "rolled her window down one inch and said she was not speeding and she would not roll her window down."
Oh, goody, she actually stopped.

See, this is where I guess my curiosity would get the best of me. “Do you know why I pulled you over?”

“Um, no, I don’t, because I wasn’t speeding. Please enlighten me.” (Yes, my sarcastic nature would get me a ticket all by itself, but my cleavage would get me out of it.)

Spen also refused to hand over her driver's license, vehicle registration and proof of insurance, then drove away from Vassell, police said.
Did she drive over his foot too? Cause that would be funny.

Vassell got back in his patrol car, flipped on his emergency lights — again — and followed Spen as she turned north onto Northwest 98th Avenue, east onto Atlantic and then north on University Drive.
Did he turn on his siren? Or just his lights? Maybe she didn’t think it was a real traffic stop without the siren.

Several other police officers joined in the pursuit.
Woohoo, it’s a party!

Although the police lights did not stop Spen, a red light at University and Ramblewood Drive did, and several officers attempted to box in Spen's car. Somehow, though, Spen was able to drive in reverse out of the box and continued driving north on University, police said.
What kind of shitty cops do they have here? I mean, they couldn’t even box her in? This crazy old lady who is multi-tasking driving and eating is able to out-maneuver multiple cops? At this point I think crazy old lady gets a pass. We do that with the kid, when she outsmarts us, we throw our hands up and say, “Alright, you get by this time.”

Spen finally stopped at the Mobil gas station at 1351 University Drive., where officers again surrounded her car.
She filled her belly, it was the car’s turn. It makes sense.

This time, when she refused to leave the car, the officers went in and got her — smashing the driver's side window and pulling her out, police said.
She just wanted to eat her Big Mac in peace! Of course, I’m pretty sure she ordered hers without glass shards, but the cops were nice enough to make sure her sandwich was complete.

After a quick check-up at Coral Springs Medical Center, Spen was taken to a Broward jail, arrested on charges of fleeing and eluding, resisting arrest without violence and driving with defective equipment.
I don’t know why they didn’t just let the medic at the jail check her out. You know they’ve got to have one there. Seems like they just gave her more time – and another opportunity to escape their grasp (since, obviously, she’s a master of eluding them).

Police said on the arrest report that they found no indication Spen was under the influence of drugs or alcohol at the time of the chase, and they could find no explanation for why Spen, who before her arrest Monday had no criminal record in Florida, didn't just pull over.
She wasn’t drunk or high, she’s just old. She’s just too old.

It’s always the ones you least expect! 

In bond court Tuesday Judge John "Jay" Hurley ordered her release under the condition she submit to a mental health evaluation.
Ya think???

Spen could not be reached for comment Tuesday evening.
Of course she couldn’t, she had to submit to a mental health evaluation. Besides, what are they expecting her to say?

Reporter: “Why didn’t you stop the first time?”
Her: “I was hungry.”
Reporter: “Why didn’t you roll your window down and give the officer your license and registration?”
Her: “I didn’t do anything wrong, why should I?”
Reporter: “When you were surrounded by police, why did you back off and run?”
Her: “Because I felt like it.”
Reporter: “Why didn’t you get out of the car when you were surrounded at the gas station?”
Her: “I always wanted an excuse to say, ‘Come and get me, coppers!’”

Yeah, that’ll make a great story.

---
This really has nothing to do with the story, save for the fact it's McDonald's-related, but I thought it was too awesome not to share.

Further proof carbs are bad for you, but not because of Dr. Atkins

Commercial stuffed pasta machine - oh yeah!

Man dies after falling into pasta machine

A man is dead after he fell into a machine while working at a Toronto pasta factory on Monday.

You know, the lead sort of takes the fun out of it. It just says a machine while working at a pasta factory. It could be one of a bunch of different kinds of machines. I like to think he fell into the machine that stuffs the ravioli, because it’s funny. (No, I don’t eat this brand of pasta, so I don’t have to worry about idiot-stuffed ravioli, thankyouverymuch.)

The man, 26, was the future son-in-law of the owner of Pasta Quistini, CBC News has learned.

Wow, not only did the writer take the fun out of it with the lead, but wrote in passive voice. This story just gets better and better.

What difference does this make? I mean, the only thing is I can say, kudos to the owner for not giving his future son-in-law some high-paying paper-pusher job just because he’s going to marry into the family.

A relative of a worker at Pasta Quistini told CBC News that the man’s shirt became caught in a pasta-making machine, pulling him in head-first. People who knew the victim said his first name was Justin. He was dating the factory owner's daughter, they told CBC.

A relative of a worker – wow, there’s a reliable source, an unnamed source at that. I don’t even know what to say to that, there are so many things wrong with that. The reporter inside me wants to bitch-slap someone.

Grammar Nazi cringe at “…the man’s shirt became caught...” It could have worked just fine stating, “the man’s shirt got caught.” But, you know, they didn’t pay me to write this story. And apparently whatever they paid this person was too much.

So, this guy was pulled into the pasta-making machine head-first. There are so many unanswered questions here. Did he fight? Why the hell didn’t someone turn the damn machine off? Does this mean he saw it coming?

“People who knew the victim said his first name was Justin…” Do people who don’t know him call him something else?

Um, he wasn’t just dating the factory owner’s daughter, he was engaged to her. At least that’s the process of deductive reasoning of calling him “future son-in-law” leads me to believe. Am I alone on this?

Police had little to say except that paramedics were brought in to deal with any of the staff who were still in shock after the accident.

So the paramedics weren’t brought in to handle him? Well, duh, he made a limited-edition ravioli, silly me.

So, how do you clean a killer pasta machine, anyway?

The owner's brother said his sister was admitted to hospital for shock.

The owner’s brother said his sister? Isn’t that a long-winded way to say the owner’s sister was admitted to the hospital?
**EDIT 4/12/11 thanks to asshole comments below**
Okay ... so the owner was admitted to the hospital for shock. Alright, I followed the family tree incorrectly, of course, the owner was never referred to as a female elsewhere, so how was I to know this? And why didn't the person who wrote this just say, "The owner was admitted to the hospital for shock." It's shoddy writing, which was my point in the first place.

Seriously, let’s hear it for socialized healthcare in Canada. You wouldn’t be admitted to the hospital for shock in the U.S., that’s for damn sure. They’d throw you a bottle of Prozac and tell you to go on your merry way. Only after you paid for it, because, unlike in Canada, you have to pay for your meds around here!

Because it is a workplace accident, the Ministry of Labour is investigating.

How much investigation is necessary? He either stood too close or wore a shirt that was too baggy, or a combination of both. It’s not like the machine just reached up and grabbed him because this guy pushed its buttons one too many times.

The factory is located at 1700 Ormont Dr., near Weston Road and Steeles Avenue West.

Yeah, I don’t live in Toronto, this means nothing to me. But, I left it here in case anyone wants to make a trek to Toronto to see the amazing killer pasta machine.

How does this guy’s obit read as far as cause of death? Cause of death was pasta, or was it pasta machine, or was it carbs, or was it just stupidity?

You want to get your kid drunk? Just go to Applebee's!

Tipsy Toddler: Restaurant Mistakenly Serves Alcohol to Child

It was toward the end of their meal at an Applebee's restaurant in Detroit when Taylor Dill-Reese noticed something odd about her son, D.J.
Really, it took her this long to realize her kid was odd?

The 15-month-old boy was acting strangely, his mother said. "He was saying hi and bye to the walls," she said. "He eventually laid his head down on the table and we thought maybe he was just sleepy."
Honestly, my toddler says “hi” and “bye” to a lot of things, and I’m sure she’s done so to a wall a time or two. It’s because they are toddlers. Toddlers are crazy. This is the time in their lives when it’s acceptable to have a conversation with a stuffed dinosaur and not be thought crazy, I don’t see why the wall would be any different. Plus, you’re at an Applebee’s. They have pictures of all sorts of has-beens on the wall, maybe he wanted to talk to them. You just don’t know.

Maybe so, but the toddler was also drunk. He had been served alcohol mixed in with his apple juice.

Drunk = sleepy, so it’s all good.

Served alcohol mixed with the apple juice. Good times. Remind me never to order Munchkin apple juice at Applebee’s.

Let’s think this through – a snafu with the apple juice … at Applebee’s. How apropos.

Police said it was an accident; a mislabeled bottle at the bar was poured into a cup for the child. Applebee's said it's looking into the matter.
Are the police sure? Maybe the toddler was irritating some people. I mean, the waitress could have been pissed at the kid for throwing food on the floor, so she figured if she got the bartender to slip him something, he’d go to sleep. Or maybe he was throwing food AT people sitting at a nearby table and they instigated it – and paid for it. “Hey, sweetheart, get the toddler over there a mixed drink, it’s on us.”

The mislabeled bottle at the bar story doesn’t work for me. Number one, they said earlier it was mixed in with the apple juice. Pouring a kiddie cup of apple juice does not involve multiple bottles. Which means this kid got straight liquor because they weren’t mixed. Sure, yeah, the original bottle could have been drained and they had to get a new bottle out, okay, but wouldn’t someone notice the liquids didn’t look the same while pouring. I mean, piss-colored drink in the cup and clear liquid being poured in is very obviously two different things. It’s not rocket science people. Which brings me to another question, who doesn’t know what apple juice looks and/or smells like? Why couldn’t the bartender tell what was going into that cup wasn’t apple juice, if it was mislabeled or not?

Plus, let’s harp on the parents for a little while, shall we? Didn’t they smell it? I would think you’d be able to smell it from a distance. Did you not taste it? I’ve totally been known to steal a few drinks from Munchkin’s drinks. But, that’s the bad mom in me coming out. (Rest assured, if we order apple juice anywhere that it doesn't come in a clearly-marked box, I will be taste-testing!)

What about the kid, if it tasted funny, why did he drink it? Granted toddler’s palettes aren’t very refined, but you’d think he’d recognize it was not apple juice.

"Obviously, any situation like this is unacceptable," Applebee's said in a written statement. "We are working with local authorities and conducting our own investigation to assess exactly what happened."
A situation like this is unacceptable? You think? What else were they going to say? “Obviously we find this situation to be funny as hell, and kudos to all the people who didn’t pay attention to make this possible. We will be introducing a new happy hour every night from 7-8 for our patrons 3 and under. If they don’t puke after the first one, the second one is free!!”

Alright, now, they are working with local authorities (really, what are the cops going to do here?) and conducting their own investigation. How much of an investigation is warranted? Find the supposedly mislabeled bottle, see what’s in it, find the bartender and find out what the hell happened. End of investigation. We know no one will ‘fess up to this, so just figure out what went wrong and fix it. If it’s truly an “accident,” then no one needs to be fired over it.

Applebee's has been in this situation before. In 2006, a New York City Applebee's admitted accidentally serving a 5-year-old a Long Island iced tea alcoholic drink instead of apple juice.
Wait, they’ve been in this boat before? Really? But wait a minute, wait a minute … this one is more ridiculous. The kid is five. The kid clearly knows what apple juice tastes like and is clearly old enough to verbalize “This isn’t apple juice,” or “This apple juice tastes funny,” or something like that. So, yeah, the idiot kid just wanted to get plastered.

"Within minutes, his eyes were glazed," the child's mother, Cynthia Pereles, said. "It was clear he was under the influence."
LITs have nothing but alcohol (save for a shot of Coke to give it color), you can’t tell me you didn’t smell that across the table.

LITs are served in glasses. (In some places, giant fishbowls!) So what sort of idiot mixed one and poured it into a kiddie cup anyway?

In 2007, a California restaurant served a margarita to a toddler in a covered, plastic sippy cup. Again, the patrons had ordered apple juice.
I’m clearly detecting a theme here. Do not, under any circumstance, order apple juice at Applebee’s. Lesson learned. Next.

This one has no excuse. You put the drink into the kid’s sippy cup, it’s obviously not one of the ones the business uses. You were very obviously trying to do something to that poor kid. You cannot, in any way, mistake a margarita for apple juice.

In Detroit, after realizing what had happened, Dill-Reese said her son was taken to the hospital. The toddler was found to have a 0.1 blood alcohol level, well above the legal limit for an adult to drive.
Elitist reporter note: Editing fail. You don’t go to generalizations like that and then back to the story. It’s confusing, I had to read the story twice before I could follow the convoluted flow. You write about the situation, and then, to close, you talk about how this isn’t the first time this happened.

I hope Applebee's will, at the very least, be paying those hospital bills. 

His mother said the child is now fine but Dill-Reese, who is 18 and too young to drink legally in Michigan, doesn't understand how something like this could have happen.
This sentence structure is awkward, I had to read this one twice too, because the first time I thought they were talking about the kid being 18, not the mom, so I was like, “Wait, this just happened and the kid is 18 now? What, I don’t get it.”

She doesn’t understand how it happened? Really? I don’t think anyone does, hence the internal Applebee’s investigation which is in conjunction with local authorities. Does it really matter to you how it happened? It’s not like, “oh, well, it was just a blind bartender, it’s no big deal.” No, whatever reason behind it does not make it acceptable. Unless you liked your kid being drunk, in which case we need to worry about your parenting skills.

"Nobody at the table ordered alcoholic drinks; we can't, so he definitely shouldn't have received one," Dill-Reese said.
Even if you had ordered alcoholic drinks, he shouldn’t have received one. God, what an idiotic statement.

** EDIT 4/12/11 ***
Apparently, as a result of this accident (which, as you read above, was the THIRD time it happened), Applebee's is changing their policies on juice pouring.

Applebee's changes policies after child served alcohol

Disabled kangaroos need love too!!

Woman fights to keep disabled kangaroo

BROKEN ARROW, Okla. (AP) — An Oklahoma woman suffering from depression has found solace in the company of an unusual companion, but local city officials worry that the therapy pet — a partially paralyzed kangaroo — could become a public safety risk.
First of all, let’s get this out of the way, do you really have high hopes for a story that comes out of Broken Arrow, Oklahoma?

Now, let’s look at just this sentence, not even the rest of the story … the woman was depressed. She got a partially paralyzed kangaroo, and it pulled her out of her depression (I’m assuming that’s what “found solace” refers to). But if she keeps the kangaroo, it could become a public safety risk. Anyone think that if you take the kangaroo away she will become a public safety risk? She’ll plummet into a worse depression, and then she’ll go to a school and open fire on innocent children before killing herself, all the while screaming, “I just wanted my kangaroo.”

Christie Carr is seeking an exemption from the Broken Arrow City Council to keep Irwin, a 25-pound great red kangaroo that she cares for much like a child. Irwin rides in a car seat, is dressed in a shirt and pants each day and is rarely away from his doting caretaker.
Is it just me, or does that picture of the kangaroo in the carseat look like, “Please, just kill me.” But you know what, if the kangaroo is attached to her hip all the time, how much of a threat can it become?

At the advice of her therapist, Carr began volunteering at a local animal sanctuary, where she met Irwin, then just a baby. Less than a week later, the kangaroo named for famed Australian animal expert Steve Irwin ran into a fence, fracturing his neck and causing severe brain damage.
Aww, that’s so sad. So, wait, the kangaroo has brain damage and the government wants to ban it. Isn’t that a violation against some sort of disability act or discrimination laws or something???

Carr volunteered to take the animal home and, while nursing him back to health, developed a bond. Irwin cannot stand or walk on his own, although he is slowly gaining back mobility and can hop three or four times in a row with assistance, she said.
If it was such a big deal that the kangaroo be in the general public, why did they let her take it home? I mean, honestly…

Furthermore, the dang kangaroo can only hop three or four times – with assistance – how much of a threat can this thing be? Oh no, it might eat all the lettuce in the local Kroger.

"Irwin will not live if I have to give him up," Carr said, adding that she would rather leave town. "I can't imagine a day living without him."
That’s very sad. We had our idiot real estate developer attempt to ban dogs in our neighborhood, after it was established, and a bunch of people said they’d rather move than give up their dogs. So I can appreciate the sentiment.

Come on, Broken Arrow people, she treats this thing better than some people treat their kids and you don’t take their kids away from them – why take her kangaroo away from her?

Native to Australia, healthy male great red kangaroos can grow up to 7 feet tall, weigh more than 200 pounds and bound 25 feet in a single leap. But because of his accident, Irwin isn't expected to get larger than 50 pounds, his veterinarian, Dr. Lesleigh Cash Warren, wrote in a letter to the council supporting Carr's request to keep him.
Yeah, well, they can, but ten-to-one says this one won’t. I mean, if he gets to the point she can’t cart him around anymore, I’m sure she will be rethinking her “parenting” strategy. Given this woman’s devotion, I seriously think that will involve releasing it onto the mean streets of Broken Arrow to terrorize little children and cause traffic jams.

Neutering has also lessened any chance he will become aggressive.
Well, yay for the snip. You know, the people at PetSmart taught me that a fearful dog is way more likely to attack someone than an angry/aggressive dog. So, you know, so long as this kangaroo doesn’t have to live in fear, it will probably remain fairly docile. So, mayor-boy, STOP SCARING IT!!!!!!!!!

"Irwin cannot be judged as any normal kangaroo," Warren wrote. "He is a unique animal due to his disabilities and will require a lifetime of care and concern for his welfare."
I mean, I think it’s awesome the vet took the time to write that, but it seems like any moron would know that. It has brain damage, and is obviously not growing at the rate of a normal kangaroo, I mean, “duh.”

Carr, who is unable to work because of her health, changes Irwin's diaper several times a day. She feeds him salad, raw veggies, kangaroo chow, popcorn and the occasional Cheez-Its or a handful of Cheetos.
Dude, that kangaroo eats better than I do!

You laugh at the “kangaroo chow” thing – there’s actually a business here in rinky-dink Georgetown that sells kangaroo feed. I laughed when he told me, he said there was actually a market for it. So there, Broken Arrow city council. I don’t see Mayor Varney trying to kick the kangaroos out.

The marsupial never leaves the house without first getting dressed. The clothes — a little boy's shirt cut and sewed to accommodate his neck, sometimes a tie, and jeans or slacks with a hole cut for the tail— are necessary for therapeutic reasons and to protect him against germs, Carr said.
OMG, seriously? A tie. You know you have a mental picture of a kangaroo in a tie and you are melting from the cuteness of that picture. And if you’re not, you are evil, and are probably on the city council in Broken Arrow, Oklahoma.

The 1-year-old animal never leaves Carr's side for more than an hour, often accompanying her on errands and going out to eat. He rides in a car seat before being placed in a pouch when going out in public. Carr's therapist certified the animal as a therapy pet under the Americans with Disabilities Act.
See, the kangaroo is certified as a therapy pet (way to go therapist!) so it’s got to be protected. And I mean, seriously, he is in public in a pouch. If/when he gets big enough this woman can’t cart him around like that anymore, I’m sure she will rethink her strategy. (And I really hope it doesn’t entail putting that poor, disabled kangaroo on a leash.)

Broken Arrow Mayor Mike Lester said he worries what could happen if Irwin is able to regain full mobility. The council last week delayed considering the issue until an April 19 meeting, to give City Attorney Beth Anne Wilkening and other staff time to research the issue.
Yeah, and monkeys might fly out of its butt too. But you’re not going to take it away because of the possibility of adding more non-native animals to the general population of Broken Arrow, are you?

"There's just a myriad of things we need to consider," Lester said.
Yeah, you wanted an excuse to say myriad, didn’t you? Well, good job, but your argument has little merit.

The kangaroo has BRAIN DAMAGE! It’s already way smaller than its counterparts, which means it’s not growing at a normal rate. It can’t hop WITHOUT ASSISTANCE! The woman who owns it carries it around IN A POUCH! The possibility of this animal doing something is slim to none. But, you know, why don’t you reconsider this plan if/when the kangaroo outgrows its carseat and pouch. When it can hop unassisted. When monkeys fly out of its butt. Until then, STFU and let the woman have her therapy pet. Brain-damaged kangaroos need love too.

Every exception made sets a precedent, and the council must take that into consideration, Wilkening said. The council may decide to create an exotic animal review committee that would look at each animal on a case-by-case basis, he said.
Wow, you really think this is going to come up enough that you have to create an “exotic animal review committee?” Honestly?

If that’s the case, I suggest everyone in Broken Arrow go get an exotic animal, find a good reason for having it, and get your tax dollars’ worth out of that new committee.

Broken Arrow Nursing Home owner Joanna Cooper said she doesn't understand why keeping Irwin has become an issue. Carr has brought Irwin to the nursing home in the past for residents to hold and pet. Several residents of the nursing home plan to attend the upcoming council meeting with signs to show their support for Carr and Irwin.
Yeah, I wonder if the kangaroo can predict death like that cat. Wonder if he was useful like that if the mayor would let him stay.

Actually, all sarcasm aside, I think it’s cool she shares the love of her off-the-wall pet with the people in the nursing home. Their lives can get so mundane, it’s nice to have something out-of-the-ordinary to brighten their days.

"Why are people giving her problems when people have tigers and pit bulls?" Copper said.
I agree with the sentiment in this quote, however, I don’t think tigers and pit bulls fall into the same category. Pit bulls are aggressive, yes, but hardly exotic animals. I’m just saying…

It's 3:50 p.m., do you know where your kidney is?

 Let me throw this out there, first, I’m not belittling what this guy did. It’s insanely selfless and, in today’s world, I’m amazed someone would do that. That being said, there are some things about this story that just make me laugh out loud.

Michigan Man Finds Kidney on Facebook

When Jeff Kurze found out his kidneys were failing, he and his wife Roxy put their lives on hold. The young couple from Warren, Michigan, hoped to start a family, but dialysis left Jeff, 35, too frail. He needed a new kidney.

That’s usually the next stage after dialysis. Thank you, Captain Obvious.

After Jeff suffered a mini stroke last fall, doctors said it could take five years for him to climb the kidney waiting list and get the type O match he needed. That's when a desperate Roxy took to Facebook.

I still find the term “mini stroke,” hilarious. My dad had these too. Um, blood flow to the brain stopped or it didn’t, it doesn’t matter the size, it’s still bad. If the blood stops flowing to your brain, you’re gonna have a bad time.

"Wishing a kidney would fall out of the sky so my husband can stop suffering," Roxy Kurze, a 30-year-old web designer, wrote on her Facebook wall. "So if anyone knows of a live donor with type O blood, PLEASE let me know."

Well, of course she wrote that. It’s not like she was going to say, “If you know anyone who is blood type O with healthy kidneys and who is knocking on death’s door, please let me know!”

Some people replied to say they'd get tested. But Roxy was skeptical.

"Sometimes people say stuff just so that other people will comment," Roxy said.

Well, I’d be skeptical too, it’s Facebook. I’d be even more skeptical if someone offered from MySpace because, well, only losers use MySpace.

Then she got a private message from Ricky Cisco, a 25-year-old comedian she met once through work.

Wow, did they use the term PM? Really?

"We never even liked each other's posts," Roxy said, explaining that although they were "Facebook friends," they were basically strangers.

I love the “we never even liked each other’s posts,” line. I know what she meant, insomuch as she didn’t ever pay attention to his (shoot, she probably had him blocked) and he didn’t pay attention to hers. Wow, isn’t she glad he didn’t block her???? But it sounds funny, as one of those “I never even liked this person before,” kind of lines. Yeah, I have a bunch of Facebook friends who were people I met once – I think we all do. In fact, that makes me think, it might be time to do a little “housecleaning” on Facebook.

Cisco, who knew he had type O blood, wrote that he wanted to talk about Jeff's kidney, and asked to meet Roxy for coffee.

Are you sure he didn’t just look at your pictures and decide he wanted to meet up so he was waiting in the wings for when your husband kicks off?

Wow, that was insanely mean. But you know you thought it. Don't deny it.

"Roxy's post sort of resonated because I knew right off the bat I was a candidate," Cisco said.

Well, yeah, you ARE the universal donor. Side note, I’m glad you knew your blood type, until I had Jocelyn, I didn’t know mine. I bet my husband doesn’t know his. (Here’s a shock, since my kid is type O and I’m B, process of elimination says he *has* to be O. And there’s no denying my kid is his, so don’t even go there…)

Cisco had never considered live kidney donation before and knew little about it.

Well, who really wakes up one morning and says, “You know what, I’m going to donate a kidney today.” No, you wake up and say you decide you are going to donate your time and money to a charity, you don’t just decide this unless you know someone who needs it.

"I had heard horror story side -- you know, people waking up in bath tubs and that," he said. "I had never heard the voluntary side."

Grrrrr … Grammar Nazi alert – there are TWO excessive hads in that sentence. Really? And isn’t bathtub a compound word and not two words?

But some online research revealed that the surgical risks were low and that life with one kidney would be no different, he said.

Because everything you read online is legit and true. Thank you all-knowing and ever-powerful Wikipedia.

So the two strangers met for coffee. "He hugged me and said, 'I want to give my kidney to your husband,'" Roxy said. "I said, 'You don't even know us -- you don't know me, you don't know my husband.'"

You know, he really should have made sure he was a match before making such a sweeping statement. I mean, yeah, he knew his blood type was a match, but isn’t there more involved in donor matching than that? Or have I been watching too much House?

But Cisco knew it was meant to be.

“No, you can't stop the river from rollin' to the ocean
It's a destiny that the good Lord put into motion
Like a baby's tears and a mother's devotion
Some things are meant to be”
(Thank you Linda Davis)

"I was prepared to donate my kidney to anybody but it was really nice to have Jeff and Roxy be the people getting it," he said.

Wait a minute, this doesn’t jive. You didn’t even know about live donation until you read this woman’s Facebook post. So, yeah, you hadn’t given it any thought before then. So you got prepared after you’d already made the decision to donate to this guy. Seems a bit reactive to me. But I’m glad you’re happy with your decision. It would be a shame to have kidney-donor-remorse.

Roxy eagerly waited for Jeff to get home from work that November night.

What, she didn’t call him and tease him, “We have to talk,” or “I got a surprise for you!” (Grammar Nazi cringe.)

"She told me on the stairs when I got home from work. I was just so in shock that I had to sit down. I could hardly breathe," Jeff said. "I doubted it a little bit at first. I just said, 'We'll see what happens.' And what happened was amazing."

Why is it important to tell us she told you on the stairs. Or when you got home from work. All that matters is she told you. I mean, seriously, talk about fluff for the sake of fluff.

Are you sure you had to sit down because you couldn’t breathe because of the news, or because of your crappy health?

Cisco went to Beaumont hospital in Royal Oak, Michigan, to start the screening process immediately.
Like, as soon as he left the coffee house? Wow, he’s an amazing guy. Whoever ends up with his single-kidney-self should be grateful. He’ll probably propose to her on the spot, he’s just so on the ball.

"The people who step up to be living donors are usually family members or people who know the individual with kidney failure because they love them and they want to do something to help," said Dr. Dilip Samarapungavan, medical director of multiorgan transplantation at Beaumont Hospital.

Elitist reporter note: Shouldn’t it be “multi-organ” instead of “multiorgan.” (Before you ask, actually, AP style does dictate that titles are in lowercase, for whatever reason, so that’s right.)

Did they just need more fluff? I mean, that’s sort of a given. Thanks Dr. Obvious.

"To have someone step for pretty much out of the blue, that's a very special circumstance," Samarapungavan said. "Not enough can be said about someone like that."

Actually, enough probably can be said, it’s about a 1,000-word article.

Living donors are carefully screened to make sure they aren't putting themselves at any long term risk.

I should hope so. I mean, it would sort of a violation of the Hypocratic oath to rip the organs from an individual just to cause them to suffer later.

"Especially Mr. Cisco -- he's young and he has his whole life ahead of him," Samarapungavan said.

Or he could die tomorrow. You don’t know. Sheesh, a doctor should know this kind of stuff.

The final series of tests in February revealed that Cisco's kidney was a "weirdly perfect" match, Cisco said.

How weirdly perfect was it? Come on, you’re a comedian (supposedly), can’t you come up with something better than that?

"Ricky told us that everything was going to work out -- that the surgery would be March 30," Jeff said. "I couldn't breathe. I knew he wouldn't give up after that."

There he goes with the can’t breathe thing again. I think it really has to do with his health and not the news.

If he did give up on it, this would be a completely different kind of news story, don’t you think? Probably one about a missing person.

And he didn't. On March 29, Jeff had his last dialysis treatment.

All together now, a collective “awwww.”

"Dialysis just sucks the life out of you. It's pretty bad," Jeff said. "I have to say the last dialysis was definitely the best one ever!"

I bet you kidney disease sucks the life out of you more. I’m just saying.

The next morning, Cisco and the Kurzes, who went from strangers to best friends in the time leading up to that day, arrived at Beaumont Hospital for the transplant. 

Well, it would kind of be a downer if the two of them hated each other, don't you think? And I bet old dude might just take his kidney back. "I'm not donating my kidney to you, you're a jerk."

 

The procedure went off without a hitch.

"I'm really proud of myself," Cisco said. "I'm not like a super-altruistic person or anything. I've always just sort of been in my head. To put myself out in the world like this has really changed my perspective."

There you go, give yourself a pat on the back, and enjoy all the free press you’re getting. We’ll see you on Comedy Central later this year, won’t we?

Okay, I know that’s not what he thought when he agreed to this, but you have to admit, he won’t turn it down if it happens after all this publicity.

Now a week after the surgery, Cisco said he feels "amazing."

I bet the other guy feels even more amazing.

"I just can't lift heavy stuff. But I can't lift heavy stuff anyway," he said, jokingly.

A comedian said something jokingly, say it ain’t so!

Jeff has never felt better either. And he's eternally grateful for his wife's Facebook plea.

Thank you, Captain Obvious. Again.

"She saved my life too," Jeff said. "I feel like it was fate and destiny. If it hadn't been for her, I wouldn't have been in the right place to meet Ricky."

Fate and destiny. Not just fate. Not just destiny. Both fate and destiny.
“Call it fate, call it destiny
But some things, are meant to be.”
(Thank you Sammy Kershaw)

And for the record, we should really thank her job because she became Facebook friends with Ricky because of that, otherwise your plea would have gone unnoticed. Oh shoot, let’s thank Ricky’s parents for having sex to conceive him, or else this wouldn’t have happened. And let’s thank God for creating man (and kidneys), for without which, this story might never have happened.

The Kurzes are excited to start planning a family, and have Cisco to thank for the chance.

Okay, dude, it’s been a week since your surgery. Aren’t you putting the cart before the horse? Have you even been cleared to have sex again? Yeah, might want to hold off on that until you regain your  strength and know for sure your body isn’t going to reject that “weirdly perfect” kidney.

"I don't know how we can ever repay him," Jeff said. "Just love him, I guess."

Maybe name your first-born after him. Just throwing it out there.

Days Inn is the DEBIL!!!

Man tells police he set fire because of Satan

No, no, really, you read that right. Keep reading.

Convinced that he was sharing a motel room with Satan, a man set his blankets ablaze in Lynnwood on Friday, according to what he told police.
Well, I have to admit, there are a lot of people I’d love to share a hotel room with (a hotel, not a motel … I DO. NOT. DO. MOTELS.) – but Satan is definitely not on that list. So I can’t say that I blame this guy for not wanting to share his room with Bealz, but honestly, couldn’t you just call in an exorcist or ask to be moved to another room? Those things would definitely cross my mind before, “Hey, let’s torch the place.”

Plus, come on dude, he lives in Hell. Fire doesn’t bother him.
 

The man, 52, of Redmond, had been staying at the Days Inn on 196th Street SW for about a month, according to a police affidavit filed in Snohomish County Superior Court.
Well, his first problem is that he’s been staying in a motel for about a month, his second being that it’s a Days Inn. A place like that is just screaming to be infested by rodents, annoying children, demons, or the Devil. I mean, it’s really no surprise.

Fire crews were called about 8:30 a.m. Friday when smoke began pouring out of the second floor room where the man was staying.
I should hope fire crews were called to handle the fire. Though, honestly, if there was a church nearby, they could have gotten the pastor to sprinkle holy water and scream “Be gone, Satan” and it would have worked the same.

The fire was contained to one room because of fire sprinklers, officials said. About six rooms were damaged in all, as well as guests' personal property.
Was the fire contained to one room because of fire sprinklers, or because the Devil was only out to drive this guy insane. Who knows? Was the personal property the guests’ Bibles, because then you’d know it was the Devil for sure!

The man told police that he set the room on fire because Satan was in there, according to the affidavit. He reportedly said he wanted to protect "the good people" by setting the fire.
You want to protect “the good people” by running them out of their hotel and/or burning them alive if they got trapped. Yeah, you thought that one through. However, you have to appreciate the sentiment. It’s sweet. Of course, one might ask why the Devil was tormenting this one guy. I mean, if I were the Devil running rampant in a Days Inn, I’d be taking advantage of that fact and driving as many people crazy as possible. That’s why suicide bombers go for busy street markets.

The investigation showed that flames began in the room in at least four different places, including the blankets.
Are they sure it’s the flames from the fire this guy set and not the flames from Satan himself when he appeared to this nutjob?

Think about it … Satan pops up over here. Old dude runs after him. He disappears. Pops up in another location in the room, “Hahaha, can’t get me sucker.” And they play this game over and over again until the Devil popped up on the bed – which was stupid on his part, because you know Days Inn does not have high quality linens, so they aren’t flame retardant and poof … bed goes up in flames. (The Devil is cunning, he’s not intelligent. Big difference.)

Hotel officials told police the man had repeatedly called hotel employees the "anti-Christ" and "spawns of Satan."
Okay, now I’m confused. Was Satan in your room a hotel employee? I mean, the maid is allowed to let herself in to clean your room.

Hotel management had asked the man to move out the day of the fire.
Duh. Umm, not winning.

The man was being held Monday at Snohomish County Jail for investigation of first-degree arson. Police who searched his room after the fire found two bottles of lighter fluid, records show.
Investigation? How much investigation has to take place, I mean, really? Come on, you can’t automatically see lighter fluid and think arson, can you? I mean, what if he’s a fire-eater? What if … yeah, I got nothing. He did it. Lock him up. He’s crazy.

The case remains under investigation by Lynnwood police. No injuries were reported.
Well, except to this dude’s fragile mental state, but hey, that was bound to happen.

Chidren are excellent carry-ons, they fit perfectly in the overhead bin

Flight attendant fired for briefly putting child in overhead bin

What began as a father's in-flight game of peek-a-boo over the South Pacific ended with a flight attendant's firing for briefly hiding a 17-month-old boy in an overhead bin, according to reports from Down Under.
Where do I start with this? This extremely long sentence has so many things…

Okay, someone please explain to me how a game of “peek-a-boo” involved moving the child in any way? Peek-a-boo involves hiding your face behind your hands, a blanket, etc. and then surprise – reappearing and saying, “peek-a-boo.” When Munchkin was eight-months-old she could initiate a game on her own. Apparently we taught her all wrong.

In what world is it okay to just randomly pick up a complete stranger’s child? I understand talking to the kid, interacting with him, but picking him up – that’s five kinds of wrong. Hiding the kid in an overhead bin, that’s a couple more kinds of wrong.

I know this is USA Today and I know it’s a news blog which means there’s not the complete formality of a news story, but honestly, referring to Australia as “Down Under” – on first reference, no less? That’s enough to make my skin crawl.

Virgin Blue airlines said it fired the male attendant and offered Natalie Williamson two free trips for the incident, which occurred three months ago, the Melbourne Sunday Herald Sun reported.
I’m not really sure the guy deserved to be fired. He was trying to keep the kid happy, after all, we all know how much fun a pissed-off 17-month-old can be. I mean, in the end, yeah, he ticked off the kid and the parents more, but I don’t think that was his initial intent. I mean, had this been a second or third violation hiding a kid in the overhead bin, okay.

Williamson said her son, Riley, has been suffering anxiety and withdrawal and has seen several specialists. She said the child was inside the closed compartment for about 10 seconds during the flight from Fiji to Sydney.
Are you freakin’ kidding me? Really, 10 whole seconds has caused suffering anxiety? First of all, doesn’t this idiot mean “separation anxiety?” Second of all, someone please tell this wonderful parent that separation anxiety peaks around 18-months-old, so this is most likely (and by most likely, I do, of course mean, completely likely) a result of a developmental phase and not this poor dude trying to entertain your kid.

"My husband, Shayne, was standing one meter behind my son, Riley, when the air steward picked him up and placed him in the overhead compartment," she said.
Okay, seriously, it takes some time to pick up a kid and shove him in an overhead bin, why is it your husband, or *gasp* yourself, didn't intervene and tell him to put your kid down? Trust me, you could have uttered the words before your kid made it into the overhead bin and stayed there for 10 full seconds. In fact, I could type those words in less than that time, so I know you could say it.

"I stood up and there were people laughing and then I said, 'Get my son out of there now,' " she told the Sunday Herald Sun.
Of course people were laughing, they thought your kid and the attendant were playing. It’s endearing to watch people interact with children. And if he wasn’t screaming, they thought he was into the game, so it probably warmed them in the cockles of the heart. Maybe in the subcockle area. Maybe in the liver or the even colon, we don’t know. (Yes, the cockles is from Denis Leary's No Cure For Cancer, I can't take credit for something that good.)

"I was devastated. I was absolutely devastated.
You were devastated? Embarrassed seems like the more likely adjective here. I mean, if my husband was a complete moron and didn't interfere with a stranger picking up my child, I'd be embarrassed for both myself and my husband.

"I was crying. My husband was in shock. For days on end I was crying."
You are such a drama queen. And so are your husband and kid. For the love of all things holy, my stepbrother turned off the all the lights in the house so we could play laser tag. At some point I remember wigging out, and since he turned them off at the circuit breaker, I couldn’t turn a light on. But I’m not emotionally scarred for it. I don’t need to see a therapist because of it. And I promise you, it was more than 10 seconds.

Williamson said she and her husband are now estranged.
Yeah, because you’re a drama queen. I wouldn’t want to be with you either.