By request: Forget Y2K, the end of the world is in May!

Just in time to mark the 7,000^th anniversary of the flood – or is it Noah’s ability to build an ark? – we are going to have a giant party! The Rapture! Oh joy!

Now, look, let’s throw this out there – I went to church growing up, I have my beliefs and I consider myself a Christian. I am not a regular-my ass-sized-groove-in-the-pew-type going person. But I also believe that you can have faith without hauling yourself out of bed super-early on a Sunday morning. When your three-year-old demands waffles for breakfast – that sermon’s going to be preached with or without you there, and you best make with the waffles because you don’t want to endure that wrath.

*warning: religious content*

Here’s my mentality on it, based on what I learned in church. The Bible does not give a date. Jesus even said he didn’t know when it will be. Therefore we will not/cannot know.

*end religious content*

So I find it hard to believe some random dude running a radio station does. He just has money and the ability to broadcast his psychoticness.

Just saying...

However, NPR was nice enough to publish an article, and Julie was nice enough to share… the article itself is long, so I picked some of the high points (read, a close-up of each nutjob featured in the story).

Is The End Nigh? We'll Know Soon Enough

On May 21, "starting in the Pacific Rim at around the 6 p.m. local time hour, in each time zone, there will be a great earthquake, such as has never been in the history of the Earth," he says. The true Christian believers — he hopes he's one of them — will be "raptured": They'll fly upward to heaven. And for the rest?

"It's just the horror of horror stories," he says, "and on top of all that, there's no more salvation at that point. And then the Bible says it will be 153 days later that the entire universe and planet Earth will be destroyed forever."

Haubert is 33 and single. Brown is married with several young children, and none of them shares his beliefs. It's caused a rift with his wife — but he says that, too, was predicted in the Bible.

"God says, 'Do you love husband or wife over me? Do you love son or daughter over me?' There is a test. There is a trial here that the believers are going through. It's a fiery trial."

As May 21 nears, Brown says he feels as if he's on a "roller coaster." What if he is raptured but his family is left behind?

"I'm crying over my loved ones one minute; I'm elated the next minute," he says. "It's all over the place."

Where do you start with this? Okay, so I want to know the proof behind the earthquake in each time zone. If you’re studying what cryptic clues are in the Bible, let’s just point out that the time zones did not exist at that time. GMT, the universal “baseline” for time was not established until 1675, and the first “time zone” did not exist until 1847 as created by the British railway companies. So, yeah … just saying.

Alright, how about the “true Christian believers – and he hopes he’s one of them” line? Don’t you know if you’re a believer or not? Doesn’t the Bible say “whosoever believeth in Him shall have everlasting life?” I mean, does he have doubts in what he believes? Tsk, tsk. No rapture for you, crackpot!

His level of psychoticness caused a rift with his wife? Say it ain’t so!

“I’m crying over my loved ones one minute; I’m elated the next minute,” is his response to the question of how he will feel if he’s raptured but his (allegedly) heathen family isn’t. Somehow I think this dude would be the one ascending, looking down on everyone else left behind (family or otherwise) saying, “Sorry ‘bout your luck.”

Moving onto other psychos…

"Knowing the date of the end of the world changes all your future plans," says 27-year-old Adrienne Martinez.

She thought she'd go to medical school, until she began tuning in to Family Radio. She and her husband, Joel, lived and worked in New York City. But a year ago, they decided they wanted to spend their remaining time on Earth with their infant daughter.

"My mentality was, why are we going to work for more money? It just seemed kind of greedy to me. And unnecessary," she says.

And so, her husband adds, "God just made it possible — he opened doors. He allowed us to quit our jobs, and we just moved, and here we are."

Now they are in Orlando, in a rented house, passing out tracts and reading the Bible. Their daughter is 2 years old, and their second child is due in June. Joel says they're spending the last of their savings. They don't see a need for one more dollar.

"You know, you think about retirement and stuff like that," he says. "What's the point of having some money just sitting there?"

"We budgeted everything so that, on May 21, we won't have anything left," Adrienne adds.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Did this woman just say they budgeted all their money so that, come May 21, 2011, they won’t have anything left? Is she fucking stupid? (It’s a rhetorical question.)

Let’s back up to the beginning and try to digest a little bit at a time.

"Knowing the date of the end of the world changes all your future plans.”

Umm, sweetheart, if you know when the end of the world is going to be, you have no future plans. None of us do.

She thought she'd go to medical school, until she began tuning in to Family Radio.

So, wait, you decided not to go to medical school because you just happened to hear on the radio that the world was going to end in May 2011? WHAT????????? I’ve also heard on the radio about the Loch Ness Monster but that’s not going to stop me from going to Scotland someday.

"My mentality was, why are we going to work for more money? It just seemed kind of greedy to me. And unnecessary," she says.
Um, because we need money to survive in this world. Even if we’re just surviving until 5/21/2011. Plus, sweetheart, welcome to America, where he who has the most money gets the most respect.

Their daughter is 2 years old, and their second child is due in June.
Well, if the Rapture does, in fact, happen on 5/21/2011 (hahahahahaha), that second child is sort of moot, isn’t it?

If the Rapture doesn’t happen, the poor child doesn’t have anything going for it, does it? Its parents are willingly-unemployed psychotic people will be on the street corner, panhandling, with a sign that reads, “Oops, the world didn’t end yet. Need money, need food.”

"We budgeted everything so that, on May 21, we won't have anything left," Adrienne adds.
On May 22, we’re all going to be pointing and laughing.

And now, who is behind Crackpot Door #3 – none other than the man who predicted this mess, himself.

Camping is not the first person to fix a date for the end of the world. There have been dozens of such prophets, and so far, they've all been wrong.

Camping himself has had to do some recalculation. He first predicted the end would come Sept. 6, 1994. He now explains that he had not completed his biblical research.

"For example, I at that time had not gone through the Book of Jeremiah," he explains, "which is a big book in the Bible that has a whole lot to say about the end of the world."

So he's not planning for May 22?

"Absolutely not," Camping says. "It is going to happen. There is no Plan B."

I've asked a dozen of Camping's followers the same question. Everyone said even entertaining the possibility that May 21 would come and go without event is an offense to God. They all hope they'll be raptured. Some worry about being left behind.

"If I'm here on May 22, and I wake up, I'm going to be in hell," says Brown. "And that's where I don't want to be. So there is going to be a May 22, and we don't want to be here."

On the other hand, he will presumably have lots of company.

Of course he’s been wrong before. So has everyone else. Case and point, Wiki points these failures out:

• 1844 - William Miller predicted Christ would return between March 21, 1843 and March 21, 1844, then revised his prediction, claiming to have miscalculated Scripture, to October 22, 1844. The realization that the predictions were incorrect resulted in a Great Disappointment. Miller's theology gave rise to the Advent movement. The Baha'is believe that Christ did return as Miller predicted in 1844, with the advent of The Báb, and numerous Miller-like prophetic predictions from many religions are given in William Sears book, Thief in The Night.
• 1914, 1918, 1925, 1942 and 1975 - Dates set for the end by the Jehovah's Witnesses
• 1981 - Chuck Smith predicted that Jesus would probably return by 1981.
• 1988 - Publication of 88 Reasons why the Rapture is in 1988, by Edgar C. Whisenant.
• 1989 - Publication of The final shout: Rapture report 1989, by Edgar Whisenant. More predictions by this author appeared for 1992, 1995, and other years.
• 1992 - Korean group "Mission for the Coming Days" predicted October 28, 1992 as the date for the rapture.
• 1993 - Seven years before the year 2000. The rapture would have to start to allow for seven years of the Tribulation before the Return in 2000. Multiple predictions.
• 1994 - Pastor John Hinkle of Christ Church in Los Angeles predicted June 9, 1994. Radio evangelist Harold Camping predicted September 6th, 1994.
• 2011 - Harold Camping's revised prediction has May 21, 2011 as the date of the rapture.
• 2060 - Sir Isaac Newton proposed, based upon his calculations using figures from the book of Daniel, that the Apocalypse could happen no earlier than 2060.

There is no Plan B? (I want to make a morning after pill joke here, but I just … it’s just too easy. Insert your own joke here.)

See, here’s the thing, and I’ve believed this for a long time. Every few years God and Jesus have this conversation that goes something like this:

God: So, Son, you ready to go back?

Jesus: Do I have to? I mean, I don’t wanna get crucified again, that was so 2,000 years ago.

God: No, this time won’t be so bad.

Jesus: Okay, whatever you say.

*the Earth News Network comes on – headline “Man Determines the Apocalypse Is Next Week”*

God: You want to make them wait a little bit longer? Prove they don’t know it all?

Jesus: Alright by me. Your turn in Wii Bowling, by the way. 

 

Now, should the Rapture actually occur as planned, there is one burning question (just one?) left – whatever are you going to do with your pets? After all, they aren’t being Raptured with you.

Lucky for you, the answer is out there: After The Rapture Pet Care 

What is this? The short version is, a group of volunteers who do not believe in the Rapture who, after you make the initial $10 donation and register your pets, will come to your house and adopt and care for your pets in your absence.

In theory, it’s a great idea. I mean, I have Oscar willed to someone should something happen to both me and Scott (and in reality, if it didn’t cost $150 to update the wills, we’d add Tona to that now). That being said, just tell me when the next couple estimations for Rapture are, and I promise, the night before, I’ll leave an envelope by the door bearing all my cash that reads, “In case of Rapture – for Oscar, Tona, Booger and Demon.”

--

Because no post about the end of the world would be complete without it - I must include some REM.

By request: Ronald McDonald ALWAYS wins over cops

Coral Springs woman orders lunch from McDonald's drive-thru instead of pulling over for police

Flashing police lights apparently couldn't stop a Coral Springs woman with a fast-food craving. 

Well, you know, when you got a hunger only tacos can stop, you gotta make a run for the border. You know exactly what you’ll order, three tacos, two tostadas and a soda pop.

Police say when an officer tried to pull over Roberta Spen, 64, Monday for having faulty brake lights, she instead pulled into a McDonald's drive-thru lane and ordered lunch.
Oh, it wasn’t Taco Bell. Darn. (Shhh, I know what the headline said, but I wanted an excuse to make a South Park joke.)

Well, you know, maybe she was so hungry, she thought her hungry monster was getting a police escort.

The bizarre exchange happened along University Drive just south of Atlantic Boulevard at about 2 p.m., and it spawned an all-out police pursuit.
Woohoo, was it a 35-mph chase? Wait, those low-speed high-speed chases only happen in California.

Officer Courtney Vassell pulled up behind Spen in the drive-thru lane, and got out of the patrol car. With police lights flashing behind him, he told her to pull out into the parking lot for a traffic stop, according to a police report.
Right, and risk the fries getting cold? Surely not.

Spen, though, completed her food order, paid the bill, and then drove her bronze 2001 Chevrolet out of the parking lot and onto Northwest Sixth Court, Vassell said.
Is it just me, or does it seem extraneous to include the year, color and make of her car here?

So, she completed her order, paid the bill and drove off. Why didn’t the cop use his car to block her from leaving the drive-thru? I mean, I know the McDonald’s people would be pissed because it would totally throw off their timer, but I’m sure they’d let their numbers slide for a cop. I’m starting to think this cop is a moron.

Vassell again flipped on his siren and stopped Spen outside the McDonald's, where he said she "rolled her window down one inch and said she was not speeding and she would not roll her window down."
Oh, goody, she actually stopped.

See, this is where I guess my curiosity would get the best of me. “Do you know why I pulled you over?”

“Um, no, I don’t, because I wasn’t speeding. Please enlighten me.” (Yes, my sarcastic nature would get me a ticket all by itself, but my cleavage would get me out of it.)

Spen also refused to hand over her driver's license, vehicle registration and proof of insurance, then drove away from Vassell, police said.
Did she drive over his foot too? Cause that would be funny.

Vassell got back in his patrol car, flipped on his emergency lights — again — and followed Spen as she turned north onto Northwest 98th Avenue, east onto Atlantic and then north on University Drive.
Did he turn on his siren? Or just his lights? Maybe she didn’t think it was a real traffic stop without the siren.

Several other police officers joined in the pursuit.
Woohoo, it’s a party!

Although the police lights did not stop Spen, a red light at University and Ramblewood Drive did, and several officers attempted to box in Spen's car. Somehow, though, Spen was able to drive in reverse out of the box and continued driving north on University, police said.
What kind of shitty cops do they have here? I mean, they couldn’t even box her in? This crazy old lady who is multi-tasking driving and eating is able to out-maneuver multiple cops? At this point I think crazy old lady gets a pass. We do that with the kid, when she outsmarts us, we throw our hands up and say, “Alright, you get by this time.”

Spen finally stopped at the Mobil gas station at 1351 University Drive., where officers again surrounded her car.
She filled her belly, it was the car’s turn. It makes sense.

This time, when she refused to leave the car, the officers went in and got her — smashing the driver's side window and pulling her out, police said.
She just wanted to eat her Big Mac in peace! Of course, I’m pretty sure she ordered hers without glass shards, but the cops were nice enough to make sure her sandwich was complete.

After a quick check-up at Coral Springs Medical Center, Spen was taken to a Broward jail, arrested on charges of fleeing and eluding, resisting arrest without violence and driving with defective equipment.
I don’t know why they didn’t just let the medic at the jail check her out. You know they’ve got to have one there. Seems like they just gave her more time – and another opportunity to escape their grasp (since, obviously, she’s a master of eluding them).

Police said on the arrest report that they found no indication Spen was under the influence of drugs or alcohol at the time of the chase, and they could find no explanation for why Spen, who before her arrest Monday had no criminal record in Florida, didn't just pull over.
She wasn’t drunk or high, she’s just old. She’s just too old.

It’s always the ones you least expect! 

In bond court Tuesday Judge John "Jay" Hurley ordered her release under the condition she submit to a mental health evaluation.
Ya think???

Spen could not be reached for comment Tuesday evening.
Of course she couldn’t, she had to submit to a mental health evaluation. Besides, what are they expecting her to say?

Reporter: “Why didn’t you stop the first time?”
Her: “I was hungry.”
Reporter: “Why didn’t you roll your window down and give the officer your license and registration?”
Her: “I didn’t do anything wrong, why should I?”
Reporter: “When you were surrounded by police, why did you back off and run?”
Her: “Because I felt like it.”
Reporter: “Why didn’t you get out of the car when you were surrounded at the gas station?”
Her: “I always wanted an excuse to say, ‘Come and get me, coppers!’”

Yeah, that’ll make a great story.

---
This really has nothing to do with the story, save for the fact it's McDonald's-related, but I thought it was too awesome not to share.

By Request: “As Seen On TV” crap I won’t own

As we were in the surgery waiting room today, a commercial for Pajama Jeans came on, and we all sort of circled around the room making fun of them, agreeing that they were nothing short of ridiculous. Just like “jeggings” (leggings that look like skinny jeans). Which prompted Scott to ask me to write a blog of “As Seen On TV” stuff I wouldn’t touch.

I spent a little too much time on the “As Seen On TV” site looking at stuff. I just picked some of my favorites to include here. Believe me, if you ever have some time to kill and want a good laugh, spend some time clicking the links on this poorly-designed site. You may regret it later, but as long as you resist the urge to buy something, you’ll get a good laugh or two.

Pajama Jeans

There are not enough words in the world for me to express how much I hate these – and the commercial.

First of all, the one chick they show laying on the bed to zip up her jeans. Yeah, sweetheart, don’t flatter yourself, just buy the next size up and you’ll be okay. You don’t need Pajama Jeans honey.

For $39.95 plus shipping I could go to Kohl’s and buy a couple pairs of Levi’s. I could go to Wal-Mart and buy three pairs of whatever brand they sell these days.

Plus, I don’t know about you, but I don’t want my ass to look any more badonadonk than it already does. I do not want Pajama Jeans to enhance my already large ass.

Alright, now here’s the thing … when you want to look like you’re wearing jeans, just freakin’ wear jeans. If you want to wear jammy pants, wear jammy pants. These are the wanna-bes of pants, and no one likes wanna-bes.

Slanket

Umm, yeah, I didn’t like this the first time I saw it, when it was called the Snuggie.










 Batter Pro

85% off! Buy one get one free. Damn it, just give them away! I’m sure you can add them as the “but wait, there’s more” to some other worthless item on the site.

The fact of the matter is, it says “no more waste.” I got news for you – if you’re breading raw meat, or anything else, you cannot reuse the breading. Period, end of story. So whatever extra ends up in the bottom still needs to be thrown away. Don’t let the “As Seen on TV” people fool you, salmonella still exists, and it can still kill you.



Amazing Cucumber Vine

 Grow your own long, slender, crispy cucumbers. ‘Nuff said. I do believe this is targeted to a very niche audience.









TV Hat

Right, because heaven forbid you go out and get away from the TV for any length of time. But, I guess the comforting fact of the matter is, those losers are insanely easy to spot. It’s like VR goggles only without being cool.

High Reach Cleaning Kit

Now you can reach where your dust cloth cannot.

You know, or you can use a ladder.








FM Radio Pen

No longer available. Shocked I am. Cause nothing screams cool like earphones coming out of your pen.

Flamingo Toilet Set

You know, if I walked into someone’s guest bathroom and saw this toilet set, I think I might run away screaming. Pink flamingos are only okay in your yard, on a stake, and as a joke. If you think they are a suitable decoration, please contact your closest mental health provider at the earliest moment possible.

Fart Machine #2

Blows the original Fart Machine away! Ha, what marketing genius came up with that one? Because a whoopee cushion just isn’t stupid enough, let’s go with a battery-operated and remote-controlled fart machine. Will the next model come out with smell?

D’Eva Bra

Yeah, uhm, they are called pasties and I guarantee if I need them, I am not buying them off an infomercial.








$50 Buffalo Gold Piece

$50 1877 Gold Half Union

Okay, really, you want me to believe that, for a mere $19.95 I can own a gold coin worth $50? That doesn’t raise the *oh, holy crap, something is wrong here* radar? Trust me, they’d be losing money hand over fist if they truly were selling it for less than it was worth. Here’s a shock, they are probably selling it for about $19.90 more than it’s worth. Who’s the sucker now? Think I’m kidding? Look – it marries some of my favorite things – stupid people and worthless lawsuits.

Watch Phone
Gadget of the Year!

Just plug in your SIM card to this watch and you can talk to your friends. Because you won’t look like:
a) an idiot
b) a wanna-be spy
c) a throwback to Penny on Inspector Gadget
d) all of the above when you talk to your watch.

Look, you get $10 off if you buy more than one, so you can get one for your dog so you can totally be like Penny.

Because, apparently, it’s too difficult to wear a watch and carry a phone, so we need to merge the two. I don’t know about you, but I’ve sort of abandoned a watch and just use my phone to tell the time. Plus I get a whole mess of other features, like camera, video, internet, text, downloadable games/apps that will distract the toddler in a pinch, a checkbook register, and even a Magic 8 Ball for when I just have to predict the future. So, yeah, I’d like to see your $99.95 As Seen On TV Watch Phone do that. Suck it, Watch Phone.




One Second Plumber

I include this only to ask Jason where on earth this was before the great auger incident. I mean, come on, you know if we had seen an infomercial for this, we so could have solved the problem instantaneously … in one-second, as a matter of fact. /sarcasm

Maybe the tagline should be - the plumber, without the crack!

The fact of the matter is, Draino is cheaper. It works. You can get it at Wal-Mart. You can even get a generic at Dollar Tree. Best of all, you don’t have to pay shipping for Draino, AND wait for it to get there AND tolerate some irritating infomercial spokesperson.

By Request: Look, it's a bird ... it's a plane ... no, it's just an old lady with a purse

Alright, if you haven’t heard about Super Granny by now, you live under a rock. Essentially this old woman saw some people trying to break into a jewelry store and she started beating the crap out of them with her purse to distract them or something. If you haven’t seen it yet, or you want to see it again, here’s the clip…


She was on TODAY this morning – and seeing as how it was on in the waiting room, I saw the clip (more than once – because apparently they were trying to fill airspace) and it was a little disturbing. Not the attack she made on them, but some of the rest of it, it was too much.

I mean, they had a so-called martial arts expert on (who was quite chunky and if he was an expert, he hadn’t practiced in a long time) who claimed she held her purse just right, you’d think she had formal training. Uh, yeah, dude, purses are regularly used in martial arts. And when was the last time you carried a purse? I do so hope it matches your shoes.

But to the point I was going to make before I got distracted in making jokes about the “martial arts expert” – she was running on adrenaline. She didn’t think about what she was doing. She thought a kid was being attacked, her goal was not to show proper form, her goal was to get these punks to stop. But you know, if you want to give her a 10.0 for her attack, by all means, go for it.

Another thing that was ridiculous was that they had viewer questions, and one of them was “If you had it to do all over again, what would you do differently?” Uh, I’d not ask the most trite question in the freaking world. Next, please.

 Her hair was a little bit more than disturbing. I mean, I’m not against dying your hair to cover the gray. That’s fine, I’m vain enough to want to do that myself. But seriously, let’s go for a color that looks natural. Once you’re past 21, it’s not acceptable to dye your hair colors that do not occur in nature.

 
My two cents on her stint on TODAY aside, let’s take a look at some excerpts from the story from MSNBC…
‘Super Granny’ who clobbered robbers: ‘I’m not a hero’


“I’m not a hero or a heroine or a ‘super gran,’ ” Timson told TODAY’s Meredith Vieira Wednesday …. “I’m just a mum that went in thinking a kid was getting hit.”
I am so glad this woman has a little bit of sense and doesn’t think she is deserving of accolades because she did what she thought was right. It’s quite refreshing, as opposed to those people who do something an immediately ask, “where’s my reward?”

On the flip-side, if she really felt that way (as opposed to just feeling that way when the cameras are rolling), she wouldn’t have traveled to A WHOLE SEPARATE COUNTRY to perform an interview. She’d politely decline, stating she was no hero and that this was not news. But no, she didn’t. I take back what I said before.

Though she suffers from rheumatoid arthritis — sometimes so painfully that she is confined to a wheelchair — Timson was on her feet that day; in fact, she had bandaged her legs so she could attend a dance class.
I admit I don’t know a lot about RA, but wheelchair and dance class in the same sentence? Really?

A crowd had gathered to watch, she told Vieira, but at first, no one stepped forward to help the courageous grandmother battle the bandits. “I think they were mesmerized,” she said.
No, I think they placed bets on if you were going to get hit with one of their sledgehammers. If they interfered, they automatically lost the bet.

Elitist reporter note: “A crowd had gathered…” really? Was the “had” really necessary?

Even as they attempted to flee, she managed to knock one of the crew off-balance on his getaway scooter. He toppled over, fell to the ground, and then raised his sledgehammer as if to threaten her.

“We just stood up, eyeball to eyeball, and he just put it down,” Timson recalled Wednesday. “I think he realized I was just an old biddy anyway.”
No, I actually think he realized he lost. To a girl. To an old girl. There’s a point you just admit defeat and I think that was his moment. Besides, there’s no glory in beating an old lady with a sledgehammer, especially after she just beat the crap out of you with her purse. Face it, you lose.

Then, at last, the bystanders took action, detaining the would-be bandits until police arrived.
It’s about damn time, losers.

In a later segment Wednesday in which she responded to questions from TODAY viewers, Timson said she was a bit surprised by the international acclaim her actions have spurred: “I'm absolutely overwhelmed by the fact that people would find this so important.”
Yeah, but I’m not above flying to New York to be on TV to talk about it.

As if you couldn’t tell, I have mixed feelings. I think what she did was awesome and I commend her for it. I just wish she’d practice what she says about how it’s not a big deal by not making the rounds to the talk-show folks. It just seems contradictory. I don’t think I did anything out of the ordinary, but feel free to lavish me with attention and international trips.

Meanwhile, the owners of the jewelry store have also been in contact with Timson and have offered to make a donation “to the charity of my choice,” she said, adding: “They were really very nice people.”
You know, if you’d rather have jewelry instead of donating to a charity, give Lindsay Lohan a call. She might be able to give you some pointers.

And there is one other postscript to the story, Timson told Vieira: Her son, Andre, is working with her to put her pocketbook — a crime-fighting tool now nearly as famous as Superman’s cape or Batman’s utility belt — on sale. The proceeds, she said, will be donated to help people in need.
Really? As famous as Superman’s cape or Batman’s utility belt? Riiiiiiight. And whoever wins this, are they going to put it in a display case and show it off to people who come over? “And this is the purse the super granny used to beat some hooligans in England. You’re jealous, I know.” Or is someone going to carry it hoping its special powers allow them to thwart some crime in progress?

By Request: You can't just go changing history because you don't like it

“Censorship is telling a man he can't have a steak just because a baby can't chew it." - Mark Twain

Huck Finn Gets Some Changes

Acclaimed by critics, scholars, and -- of course -- readers, Mark Twain's "The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn" is one of the great American novels. The book has been reprinted countless times, adapted into movies, and translated into just about every language under the sun. But should it be updated for today's times?

How many different ways can you say: “No. Not even no but hell no.” (If the translations are wrong, blame Google translator, not me, okay?)

(French) Non. Non seulement pas, mais l'enfer ne

(German) Nein. Nicht nur, nein, aber keine Hölle

(Dutch) Nee. Niet alleen niet, maar hell no

(Portuguese) Não. Não é só o inferno não, mas não

(Russian) Нет, не только нет, но черт возьми, нет

(Greek) Όχι Οχι μόνο δεν κόλαση, αλλά δεν

(Italian) No. Non solo non l'inferno, ma non

(Spanish) No. No sólo no, pero el infierno no

(Swahili) Namba Si tu hakuna lakini kuzimu hakuna

(Arabic) رقم ليس فقط لا ولكن لا الجحيم

Keep in mind, that’s saying something considering the level to which I despised the book, Huckleberry Finn. (Almost as much as Jane Eyre.)

News that the manuscript would undergo some changes sent shockwaves through the Search box. According to Publishers Weekly, NewSouth Books plans to release a version of "Huck Finn" that cuts the "n" word and replaces it with "slave." The slur "injun," referring to Native Americans, will also be replaced.

Are you freakin’ kidding me????

Mark Twain is spinning in his grave. You know what, no, he probably is so pissed off over this, he’s coming back as Zombie Mark Twain and he’s going to eat the brains of the “geniuses” at NewSouth Books who thought this was a good idea.

If you couldn’t tell, I think this is a bad idea.

*Warning, I’m going to climb on my soapbox, but it’s my blog and I can.*

I’ve been in this fight before – you cannot just go changing the words of someone else just because you don’t like them, or you don’t like how they said something. You just don’t do it.

I understand the rationale here is because there are words like “nigger” (a term of which I do not use) or “injun” (another term which I do not use). Now, I read Huckleberry Finn. Okay, no, I lie. I faked my way through the class discussions and bombed the test because I didn’t read Huckleberry Finn. (I was in Paris over spring break, would you read a ratty copy of Huckleberry Finn or enjoy being in Europe?)

However, my momma raised me right, and I know those are racial slurs, and they are wrong. You do not use them. You certainly don’t use them in the 21^st century.

We cannot whitewash (no pun intended, but hilarious!) history and pretend something didn’t happen. Our society did, in fact, force people into slavery … people did use racial slurs … the Jewish were captured and put in concentration camps … Asian immigrants were, in fact, forced to work on the railroad in the western United States and they were kept in camps too. A whole slew of other horrible things happened – in this country, and in others. It’s called history. And if we don’t learn from it, we are doomed to repeat it.

We must raise our children to know what was done in the past, and that it was a mistake (and why), and help them learn from it so we, as a society as a whole, can evolve. We will never improve if we are never given the chance. Erasing the mistakes of the past is never going to help us evolve.

Furthermore, it is NOT the responsibility of the schools to teach our children right from wrong. Our schools teach math. Science. History. Physical education. Lunch. Study hall. Socializing. Gossiping. Woodshop. Home Ec. French. German. Latin. Japanese. Government. Literature. Reading. Writing. Arithmetic.

Right and wrong comes from the home. You use the rationalization you learn to comprehend why what you learned about in history class was wrong. Why the system of checks and balances in the government exists. Etc.

It is not the schools’ responsibility to teach your child what you were unwilling (or, to be fair, unable) to teach your child. If you are unable to teach your child this, then put them in a situation, put them with people who can. Because if children don’t learn this, then publishers will continue whitewashing the history to the point where our children will come home fully convinced nothing bad ever happened, there are no wars, bad words, and we live in a sterile world. What a rude awakening will come when they enter the real world. How will they function? Whose fault will that be?

Surely not Mark Twain’s.

By Request: Don't scream in my ear you little f'in brat!!!

The story I'm railing on is short, so I have included the text below, but here's the link, since I always do that (mainly to prove I'm not making this stuff up - I'm hardly a plagiarizer, I just use others' mistakes as my motivation).

Screaming 3-year-olds on a plane! No one likes a fussy kid when you’re stuck on a flight but should you be able to sue over it? A 67-year-old American woman who was on a Qantas flight as part of her Australian vacation sued the airline over a run-in with a vocal three-year-old, who allegedly yelled in her ear, causing bleeding and deafness. Her lawyer argues Qantas is at fault because the plane's crew failed "to take all the necessary precautions to prevent the accident.” Qantas claims the child was well-behaved in the terminal and up until the incident, on the flight. We’re not sure what kind of precautions they could have taken, other than not allow any preschoolers – an age known for rollercoaster mood swings – to board at all.

More interesting details: it’s come out that the woman was wearing hearing aids, suggesting she already had hearing issues. And listen to the e-mail she sent the day after the incident:

  

"I guess we are simply fortunate that my eardrum was exploding and I was swallowing blood. Had it not been for that, I would have dragged that kid out of his mother's arms and stomped him to death.”

Whoa. That 3-year-old will grow out of his tantrums but sounds like her nasty streak is permanent. Even so, Qantas has settled the case for an undisclosed amount.

Holy hearing aids, Batman!

Having been a mom for 2.5 years, I've learned there are two types of people in this world.

1. Those who feel the world revolves around them - and heaven forbid anything, least of all someone's child - somehow enter the gravitational pull to hinder the world's revolution around them. When a kid acts up somewhere remotely within their eyesight or earshot, expect a nasty look, a rude comment, them making eye contact with you before inching (or running for dear life) from you and your child - or, if you're lucky, all of the above.
2. Those who see you struggle with your child, shoot you a sympathetic look and a smile. In half of those cases, they will actually stop and engage your child, or tell you not to feel bad because their kid did it too and they were actually grateful to learn they weren't the only one who dealt with said problem that led to the public tantrum.

I have a hard enough time taking my child to restaurants - we go armed with whatever toy she wanted when we left the house, and a pencil pouch full of entertaining goodies (coloring books, crackers, stickers, crayons stolen from various restaurants in and around Georgetown) that lives in the car for occasions just like these. Sometimes she's a perfect angel, and we get so many compliments. Other times I want to hide my face because I don't really want anyone to know the screaming child is, in any way, related to me.

It is, however, a risk we take to go out to dinner. We're aware of it. We try our best to control it, but we can't always. There are times her will, and her attitude, are bigger than us both. Anyone who has dealt with a toddler before knows what I'm talking about.

We will probably fly with her for the first time in March, and I'm not exactly looking forward to it. Why? Simply because I can stick with my usual tricks, but the be-all-end-all equalizer of "do you want to go home?" is not an option. There isn't even an "outside" to give her an attitude adjustment. The worst I can do is give her a blue swirly in the minuscule airplane bathroom - and even then, she's not old enough to care she's blue (in fact, she'll probably think it's cool) and then I'd just be embarrassed to be walking to my connecting flight with a Smurf in tow.

(Seriously, any of you who picked up the phone to call CPS - it was a joke. I would totally make the pilot turn the plane around before I gave her a swirly. I might go to jail for hijacking a plane, but, you know, it's the sacrifices we make for our kids.)

Now, you realize I have not addressed the issue at hand yet ... the crazy 67-year-old woman who SUCCESSFULLY got money out of Quantas airlines because she's a bitch.

I really feel for the mom in this situation. How embarrassing for her to know it was her kid who set off this shitstorm of stupidity that went through the legal system. Just goes to show how much people have been conditioned to sue over any little thing. First of all, suing is ridiculous anyway, but the airline as the defendant? That's as ridiculous as suing a four-year-old. (No, couldn't sue the kid, because the kid wasn't four-and-a-day, but I'm absolutely sure this crabby old bitch so would have if the kid was old enough. In addition to the airline, I'm sure.)

So, how much merit do I think this woman's case has?

Can you say, none?

I mean, first of all, if anyone is liable, it's the mom and not the airlines. And I wouldn't really think the mom could be held liable - I mean, what was she expected to do, shoot her kid with a tranquilizer dart to avoid potential run-ins with crabby women? Obviously the kid doesn't meet the four-and-a-day test, so there's really no one available to sue. Oh damn.

Now, how about the "injuries" she sustained? Her eardrum apparently ruptured and her ear bled. Well, yeah, I can see how her ear bled if her eardrum ruptured. Let's walk through this, shall we?

• SHE HAS HEARING AIDS! Obviously she had prior hearing damage. Was it a birth defect? Or the result of a previous accident? If it was the result of an accident, how do we know this particular incident wasn't related to that? We don't.
• SHE WAS ON A PLANE! You know, a plane, where there are changes in air pressure and your ears pop and stuff. Perhaps your eardrum ruptured as a result of the elements to which it is exposed while you were flying, rather than the bratty child you encountered.
• SHE WAS ON A PLANE! Yeah, again ... umm, there are other loud noises you encounter on a plane that could have contributed (if you believe a loud noise caused the eardrum to rupture, which I really don't).
• SHE IS OLD! This kind of stuff randomly happens to old people. No, that's not an ageist comment - it's a fact. Deal with it.
• SHE'S AN IDIOT! If the three-year-old in question got close enough to her head to scream in such a way that caused her eardrum to rupture, I'm sure he did other irritating things before this. A three-year-old does not (traditionally) just scream at a stranger unless prior attempts to get said person's attention were futile. Therefore, if she didn't speak up to tell the mom the kid was annoying her and she would like him to stop, then she deserved what she got.

There is no way the airline should be responsible, unless it was a flight that was deemed a kid-free zone and this child violated that. (But see, yeah, that won't happen... people with kids will sue for being discriminated against - it's a vicious cycle.) So, how they were even remotely willing to settle for this case is beyond me. Either Quantas has crappy lawyers or there's something they are trying to hide. Kind of makes you wonder, doesn't it?

Furthermore, read the text of the e-mail she sent to one of her fellow old biddies again: 

"I guess we are simply fortunate that my eardrum was exploding and I was swallowing blood. Had it not been for that, I would have dragged that kid out of his mother's arms and stomped him to death.”

This woman deserves absolutely nothing because her case has no merit, but I think this just proves what evil truly lies in her heart. Reference my point earlier about the two types of people in this world - she definitely falls into the first category. Probably didn't have any of her own, or she would have sued them for some stupid reason, I'm sure. I really think this woman needs a serious attitude adjustment - not a check with multiple zeroes from an airline company. But what do I know? I'm just someone with an opinion and a blog.

This whole thing really just makes me think of Jefferey - the four-year-old Bill Cosby encountered on a plane. Irritating as all get out, but this is how they dealt with irritating children on planes in the early 80s. Hmmm ... maybe we need to go back 30 years.

By Request: Shaving your snatch has been shown to cause accidents, more at 11.

This story is actually kind of old, but it was brought to my attention today and I just couldn't pass it up. I mean, come on, look at that headline - I didn't even have to read the story to know I had to do it. I have to admit, I gave it a little bit more tame treatment than I would have expected. I expect you, my sick and twisted readers, to add to the comments to remedy that. 

Female driver shaving genitals causes accident in Florida

 

A 37-year-old woman in Florida has been charged with reckless driving after causing an accident because she was distracted as she shaved her pubic hair.

I know, you’re first question is, “did I just read what I think I just read?” Yes, yes you did.

Next question, “did you make that up, Trysh?” Nope. Sure did not. I can’t make this stuff up. Not in my wildest dreams could I have come up with that one. But boy do I wish I was the reporter for this one. Well, or maybe not, cause I would get fired for how many euphemisms I tried to fit in my story.

She was also charged with with driving with a revoked license, leaving the scene of a wreck with injuries and driving with no insurance according to keynews.com.

Well, really, what good is it if you don’t rack up a bunch? Go big or go home. And go clean-shaven or go home.

The Florida Highway Patrol says a two-vehicle crash Tuesday at Mile Marker 21 on Cudjoe Key was caused by a 37-year-old woman driver who was shaving her bikini area while her ex-husband took the wheel from the passenger seat.

First of all, I don’t get why the driver’s age is really important here. The fact she was shaving her muff is what is freakin’ hilarious. It would be hilarious regardless of her age. Of course, I must admit, if she was 87 it might be funnier, but, I digress.

Elitist reporter note: Why in the hell is Mile Marker capitalized? Here’s a hint, a proper noun is the name of a person, place or thing – and unless Mile Marker 21 is the name of a seedy bar or bikini wax and tanning salon, it does not deserve said treatment. Someone needs to head back to first grade for a lesson on proper versus common nouns.

Megan Mariah Barnes, 37, was travelling southbound in her Thunderbird at 11 a.m. on Tuesday, March 1 when she slammed into the back of a 2006 Chevrolet pickup driven by David Schoff of Palm Bay. Schoff had slowed to about 5 mph in preparation for making a left-hand turn when the Thunderbird rear-ended him while travelling about 45 mph according to Florida State Troopers. 

Trooper Gary Dunick described the incident as the most bizarre in his career:

She said she was meeting her boyfriend in Key West and wanted to be ready for the visit. If I wasn't there, I wouldn't have believed it. About 10 years ago I stopped a guy in the exact same spot ... who had three or four syringes sticking out of his arm. It was just surreal and I thought, 'Nothing will ever beat this.' Well, this takes it.

Okay, and it’s funny cause she was shaving her snatch and the cop’s last name, at quick glance, looks like “dick.” Hahahahaha. (Yes, I am mature, thank you very much.)

As far as the cop’s comment – the exact same spot. Did you have chalk outlines to identify it? Was it three or four? I think there’s a big difference. And seriously, maybe he was diabetic and desperately needed insulin, I mean, honestly.

But the real issue at hand is this: not only was she cutting the hair on her cooch – she was cutting it while driving, in the car with her ex-husband, on her way to see her boyfriend. The cop’s an idiot, but a freakin’ Einstein compared to both of these people. I mean – who shaves their nether-regions while driving, and who willingly holds the wheel while the driver does that (without muttering, “hey, um, this is a bad idea”) and ISN’T the intended audience for said nether-region grooming?

Elitist reporter note #1: Redundancy alert! We just gave her age again. What is it with this reporter? This is the location it belongs, if the age is even relevant, which I contend it’s not. But since you erroneously included it in the paragraph previous, it doesn’t belong here.

Elitist reporter note #2:  There was no need to do a block quote. That just proves the reporter had a specific length requirement and was stretching to reach it. After all, it could have easily been summarized as "Trooper Gary Dunick said this was the most bizarre thing he encountered in his career," and leave it at that. (I am, however, grateful for the additional detail provided in the quote about her going to visit her boyfriend with her ex-husband in the car. It makes it so much better.)

Elitist reporter note #3: Why is there not equal treatment here? The guy's truck gets a year and a make - but no model. Clean-shaven idiot girl gets her model listed, but no year or make. Methinks someone doesn't know enough about cars to identify them. I mean, do it properly and give both equal treatment or else it just makes you look a) lazy, b) stupid or c) all of the above.

After the accident, Barnes reportedly continued to drive for approximately half of a mile before stopping. Initially, her ex-husband Charles Judy claimed to be driving and insisted Barnes was in the passenger seat. The ruse was quickly discovered by investigators.

Of course the ruse was quickly discovered by investigators. All they had to do was look for the hair clippings. Doh. Foiled again by common sense – didn’t even have to call Bones and Booth in for this one.

Additional charges were added because only the day before Barnes had been convicted of impaired driving, her license had been suspended and she had been ordered to keep her Thunderbird off the road. Riptide, the Miami New Times blog, has labelled Barnes, 'Pubic Enemy Number One.'

I want to know what other impaired driving she got charged with … masturbating while driving?

Ordered to keep her Thunderbird off the road. Okay, so, she can drive another car? Be careful, she might steal a car and shave her cooch in it. Here’s a warning to anyone in Florida – if your car is stolen and you get it back, check for pubic hairs before sitting down. I’m just saying.

Elitist reporter note: Labelled is misspelled and that's a direct copy/paste from the story. Sigh. Any idiot can write a news story these days, but it takes a second idiot to let it get past the copy desk. 

“Pubic Enemy Number One” not bad, I must say. Wish I thought of that one.

You know what sucks? I wouldn’t be surprised if this moron ends up getting an endorsement deal with Bic for this stunt. And watch Ford add a lighted mirror under the steering wheel – for ease of genital grooming. For when you just aren’t feeling pretty down there. After all, there’s a Renault that’s hitting the market with spa-like aromatherapy – I wouldn’t put it past them.