Disney wrap-up

Alright, I'm a little late in getting this one up, but here's a very condensed version of our Disney trip. It's the blog version of our vacation slideshow. :) For the slideshow, head on over to my FB page.

DAY ONE

Needless to say, I brought antibiotics, but that didn’t help with the coughing and sinus symptoms. So, my first night, Meredith and I took a field trip to Wal-Mart. We planned this for awhile, actually, to get snacks and milk and stuff for our rooms.  However, I used this to my advantage to keep me from coughing up a storm (because Meredith said she didn’t want to be around me when I was coughing – bitch). The cold/sinus aisle was FULL of people. I mean, so many Meredith couldn’t push the cart down the aisle and I had a hard time finding what I needed because people were in my way.

No, it wasn’t sick tourists. They were ALL locals. Latinas, in fact. Jabbering away in Spanish. Once I found what I wanted, I grabbed them and ran. Normally I look for the equivalent generic, but not this time. I was getting the hell away from there. DayQuil and Robitussin for me. 

Now, let’s get this out of the way. Meredith weighs 105 pounds soaking wet. She is tiny. I’m always conscious of my weight (or excess thereof), especially being with her. It took me all of 30 seconds at Wal-Mart before I felt thin. Wow. Just wow.

So, then we headed back to my hotel. It’s in the Epcot resort area. We didn’t see a sign that said my hotel or the Epcot area, but we saw the sign for Epcot. We took that one. And ended up in the empty Epcot parking lot at 11:42 p.m. It was kind of cool, save for the fact we were lost beyond belief. We did find a way out (which, ironically enough, allowed for a loop back to Epcot – because apparently if you started out to the EXIT, there was a strong enough need to make a U-turn back to the entrance).

We got back to my hotel around midnight, after dealing with the biggest asshole at the gate who didn’t want to let us in and passing these people who were apparently riding Segueys around the resort, in the dark, with blinking headlights that would cause seizures in non-epileptic individuals.

Meredith helped me upstairs, checked out our room and was scared to head back to her hotel. Why, you ask, seeing as how we were in the Happiest Place on Earth? Because when she checked in, the lady informed her the power would be out from midnight to 5 a.m. in order to test their generators – but not to worry, they gave them glowsticks in their rooms.

Where was her room? The top floor (eleventh), of course. So she was going to have to lug this stuff (including her husband’s cryptic “beer in a green bottle” – way to write a shopping list, Noah) up 11 flights of stairs. Lucky for Meredith, the power was still on when she got back, so her milk and beer in a green bottle got to go up the elevator.

DAY TWO – HOLLYWOOD STUDIOS

Our first full day at a park, we went to Hollywood Studios. It was called MGM Studios when I was here last. The only thing I remember from when I was here before was the “Honey, I Shrunk the Kids” park area. (Which, I have to admit, was so much bigger when I was a kid. Then again, everything was bigger then.)

Anyway, we started at Hollywood Studios because I set up a character dining thing for the kiddos’ birthdays with the characters from “Little Einsteins,” “Special Agent Oso,” and “Handy Manny.” This was such a let-down. The food was okay (in fact, some of it was really good), but Jocelyn was scared to death of the characters. I am not surprised by this fact, I was scared to death of people in character suits until I was like 10 or 11, so she’s just taking after me. She finally started playing with the characters on our way out the door.  Of course. This is, of course, after Special Agent Oso molested Meredith. Way to friend the bear now, Jocelyn.

We didn’t do a ton of rides because of the kids … but we did check out “The Voyage of The Little Mermaid” show which was pretty good. I rode Aerosmith’s Rockin’ Roller Coaster, which was cool, but it was super-hokey, and way short. What do you expect? But I know Michael was proud of me for making sure I rode it, and that’s all that really matters to me. Scott took the kiddo on Toy Story Mania, which he said was cool. While waiting on them, I hit the Backlot Tour ride, which was kind of cool. People were taking pictures of some of the dumbest shit though – like the water tower with Mickey ears. Seriously?

Then we took the kids to the “Honey, I Shrunk the Kids” park and they had a blast. We did the area with the Muppets and saw the 3D Muppets movie, which was retarded… and I hate 3D stuff, it gives me a headache. The Muppets were so much funnier when I was a kid. Adulthood has ruined me.

DAY THREE – ANIMAL KINGDOM

This park did not exist when I was at Disney last. This park was actually really cool. Kind of hard to figure out how to navigate at first, but once you do the circle three or four times, you’ve pretty much got it down pat.

I did make sure to ride the only roller coaster, which was Expedition Everest, and it rocked. I so wanted to do that one again. Alas, Fast Pass only lets you skip the line once – and you can only get so many Fast Passes at any given time. (What’s even worse, there’s a time limit as to when you can get your next one. So if I get a Fast Pass for one ride, I have to wait 30-60 minutes before I can get another Fast Pass – for any ride, which sort of blows.) ANYWAY … I digress.

We did stand in line for about 45 minutes to do the Safari trip, which was really awesome. The kids were amazingly good and had a great time. Jocelyn was the most entertaining part of the trip through the safari. When we saw crocodiles, she points and goes, “Dragons!” When we saw rhinos, she goes, “Dinosaurs!” The people behind us were cracking up.

We had some really good barbecue while we were there, but unfortunately, we had to pay for it. They didn’t take the resort dining plan. Of course.  And then we went to go see the Finding Nemo musical, which was okay. We had front row seats, but poor Jocelyn was so tired at this point, she was no impressed – until she saw bubbles.

After Nemo, we went to the DinoLand, which I had been looking forward to all day long. I’m a dinosaur dork, it’s just the way it is. Anyway, it was like a giant carnival, which was sort of disappointing. But they did have a giant play area kind of like the “Honey, I Shrunk the Kids” area, so at least the kids got to wind down that way. I have to admit, the radio station was hilarious, we heard “Digging Up Bones” by Randy Travis twice while we were there. Never a bad thing. Oh, and “Jealous Bone” by Patty Loveless.  Notice a theme?

DAY FOUR – EPCOT

This day was sort of miserable for me. I didn’t take my allergy meds, and the flower show was going on, so yeah, it was not my best day. Jocelyn had a bunch of meltdowns and I was ready to take her back to the hotel at like 2:30, but we kept pushing through to get stuff done – even though, as it turns out, Scott was ready to quit but knew I wanted to go to France so he kept pushing to do that. And I was ready to quit, but I told Scott over and over again how much I loved Epcot, so I didn’t want to force him to leave early without getting to enjoy it. Oh, Gift of the Magi irony, how I love thee.

We did go do the Nemo ride, which is very cool because you get the characters interacting in the aquarium. It’s cool to see a cartoon and real fish. I’m easily impressed, okay?

We went to the restaurant attached to the aquarium, so we got to eat some great food (yay, they took the dining plan!) – and Jocelyn even got hers on a Mickey plate, which we had to purchase before returning home. Like she needs another plate, but she did ask, and we’ve done really well about making sure she gets things she wants, but not to excess. She got at least one small thing from each park, and she didn’t really ask for much, so the fact she asked for a Mickey plate is something we could oblige her.

Took Munchkin to see Captain Eo (I saw it last time, but didn’t remember much about it) – wow, that was so bad. It reeked of the 80s and George Lucas. Even acting, Michael Jackson seemed so sweet and vulnerable. It made me kind of sad. But, it’s a “classic” so we couldn’t skip it, especially given how much Munchkin loves Michael Jackson.

Then we wandered over to the Worldwide Showcase and went to France. By then I was so tired, the blisters on my feet hurt, Jocelyn was a punk, and I was pissed, it was not a very enjoyable trek. But we made it. Epcot complete.

Obviously this picture was taken on different day,
since I mentioned it was raining, but it's still
Downtown Disney.

DAY FIVE – NOT A DAMN THING

This was the day we were supposed to go to Universal to go to the Harry Potter park.  Unfortunately, there was a major thunderstorm and yeah, we really didn’t want to pay over $150 for admission to a park to go huddle in gift shops with a bazillion other people. Plus, I was already sick AND we had the kiddo and I didn’t want to take her out in the rain unnecessarily.

So I didn’t get Harry Potter like I wanted, it’s not the end of the world. We headed out to Downtown Disney, finished our shopping for other people, and had an extremely over-priced meal at T-Rex Café. We even did Build-A-Dino with Munchkin, and she loves that thing. More than any other Build-A-Bear I think she’s ever done! 

I did get a little irritated after dinner, when I had the stare-down with another mom. Coupled with the fact it was pouring down rain and this was the one time the bus took forever to show up, I was very grateful to see our pirate ship-shaped beds that night.

DAY SIX – MAGIC KINGDOM

Started out with more Mickey waffles. Love those things, even if, with strawberries they looked like Mickey had been shot in the head.

Got to the Magic Kingdom, and I got stuck e-mailing work, and on the phone with them over a software release. Lucky for me we actually got reception in the Magic Kingdom (well, moreso than anywhere else at Disney), and Munchkin wanted to watch the upcoming Mickey show in front of Cinderella’s Castle, so I had a few minutes.

You're welcome.

Then we headed off to the Pirates ride, because I was not leaving without seeing the updated Pirates ride. We stood in line behind a woman who was wearing a sundress with back fat muffin-top, but even worse than that, one of the straps broke, so she’s just wandering around with one strap. (And very obviously no bra.) *shudder* White trash is everywhere, and apparently it was in front of me in the Pirates line.

The ride wasn’t as good as I remember – I swore you got wet on the old version. Regardless, they made it a point to tell us no flash photography. I obliged. Until the very end, when I realized I couldn’t get a good picture without it and I was NOT getting off that ride without a Jack Sparrow picture for my best friend. And seriously, what were they going to do, kick me off the ride by then? Or kick me out of the Magic Kingdom? Believe me, I would have welcomed that, as would Munchkin. We were both kinda grumpy that day. I hate crowds and it was INSANE!

This was the closest we got to this ride.

How insane was it? You know the Dumbo ride, where you ride in the elephants and go up and down for 30 seconds, just like you can on a carnival ride? The wait for that was 80 minutes long. Yes, I said 80, as in an hour and 20 minutes. Can you say, “not only no, but hell no?” Needless to say, there was a Munchkin meltdown because we told her we weren’t standing in that line – she flipped over the half hour we were in the Pirates line, there’s no way she’d do 80 minutes. (And we promised her no more crazy-long lines.)

We went to do character dining at The Crystal Palace with the Pooh bear gang. The characters were great, Jocelyn loved it – even if Brandon did hide under the table. The food was okay, but the buffet was $37 a person and I don’t know that it was “that” good. (Thank God for the dining plan.) They did have the best apple bread pudding and chocolate-hazelnut cannolis. The dessert was the best part about that meal!

It was time to go after that, but not until we got stopped by the mid-evening character parade and so those freaky stilts guys could scare the crap out of me again.

And that was it. We hugged Brandon, Meredith, and Noah, and 12 hours later we were at the airport heading for home.

General observations in Disney

There are a lot of "random" things I noticed while on vacation - and I'm sure I'll come up with another list before it's all said and done. But, this is a good start.

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Picture it – you’ve been planning this vacation for months (nay, years), and the day before you’re stopped up, your head’s about to explode and you’re running a fever. The tell-tale sign of a sinus infection. Umm, yay.

Unfortunately, sinus infection always equals no voice to me, so I spent most of the vacation croaking. And because I was on antibiotics, I wore out much faster than I normally would. Oh, the random coughing fits were fun … and the going through an entire box of Kleenex (the cheap, sandpaper-like ones in the hotel room, how they still have the brand name Kleenex on them is beyond me).

Even better, at Epcot, the flower show was going on. Yay! Flowers and allergies made for a super-fun time at Epcot. The topiaries were kinda cool, the headache they brought on was not.

Sprint

Not a damn thing, apparently.

Orlando is supposed to be a 4G city. With 4G-capable phones, and paying $10 a month for 4G service you can only use in like 12 cities in the country, Scott and I were kind of excited to finally get to take advantage of a service we’ve been paying for since August.

Not only were we unable to connect to 4G, but we apparently are in a Sprint black hole. Reception was intermittent, at best, even the most basic 3G. I hate Sprint. Oh, and yeah, there’s a cool app you can get with maps and wait times and other cool stuff … but it’s only available on Verizon. What the hell? Where is the Sprint love in Disney?

AND I borrowed a Sprint mobile broadband card so I could keep up with my work email. For whatever reason, the card stopped working on Sunday. WTF? Since I borrowed it, I really hope it didn’t break while I had it, what a great thing to start my first day back at work with. “Uh, sorry, dude, but your card broke. I didn’t do it, but yeah, sorry.” I mean, it worked every day until then, and then it just stopped. Of course, it is entirely possible it’s because of the Sprint black hole I was in. Either that or Disney was onto me that I found a way around their $10 a day charge for Wi-Fi and cock-blocked my internet access. That wouldn’t surprise me at all.

Plaid shorts
What the hell is it with guys wearing plaid shorts? (Some women too – which, in case you didn’t know this, makes your ass look huge.) Worst of all, plaid shorts with pastel colors and shirts that in no way match those plaid shorts. There are a few people who can pull off this look, but they are few and far between. I did have the luxury of hanging out with one, and let’s just say, he was hot. I think it’s the hotness factor that makes up for the non-matching factor. Ugly dudes can’t do it. Women can’t do it (see above). Dudes doing it in a desperate attempt to be cool can’t do it. They should seriously have a line for people wearing plaid shorts, and someone standing there determining if you can continue on or return back to your hotel to change. “No, I’m sorry, you’re not cool enough to pull off this look. Please try again.” (It’s akin to wearing berets in France. Only tourists wear berets in France.)

Inanimate objects
Alright, seriously, what is it with people who have to take a picture standing in front of some concrete statue of a Disney character, or a topiary of a Disney character? I mean, really? Is it just to prove that you were there? “Come on, I know you said you went to Disney, but unless I see a picture of you standing in front of a topiary of Mickey, I won’t believe it.” Riiiiiiight.

The topiaries were actually pretty cool. I mean, normally, I’m not a plant person, but to get them to look like the characters was kind of cool. But it was almost impossible to snap a picture without some idiot tourist jumping in front asking someone “hey, get my picture with this thing.” I went to take a picture of a Daisy Duck topiary and was waiting on stupid-ass tourists to get out of my way and this chick behind me goes, “Finally, someone else gets it. I just want a picture of the thing.” I smiled and was like, “Exactly.”

Stupid/Rude people
I end up bitching about this on every vacation. But seriously, there are some people who are just complete assholes. They run in front of you while you’re trying to take a picture. Or they run up to get their picture with an inanimate object, thereby ruining your shot. Or they get in front of you and go insanely slow. Or they try to run you over with their motorized scooter. Or they don’t know enough to say, “sorry” after they run into you, hit you with a stroller, or get a little too close in line.

Perky cast members

All Disney employees are called cast members. Most of them are wayyyyyyyy too happy to be here. Actually, no, most of them are super-nice and fascinating. I love how they have their hometown on their nametags – we’ve run into some Kentucky people. I even ran into one chick from Haiti and had her speak French to Jocelyn. But there are some who are complete assholes. How did they get the job here? You would think they failed the personality requirement. I mean, there was this midget who was handling the line to meet Daisy Duck and I just wanted to punt him across the room. (Well, we were outside, but you get the point.) Scott said his temper was just a little short. Whatever, he was a jerk-off. Maybe that’s what he needed, I don’t really know.

Characters

There are characters everywhere!!! They’re everywhere, they’re everywhere! I’m not sure if it’s a promotion or a demotion to be stuck in the character suit in the heat – especially in the summer. Some people who play the characters are awesome. When we met Minnie, she was unbelievable – she took my purse and set it out of the way for the picture, gave me and Jocelyn kisses … but then again, the guy who played Handy Manny at Hollywood Studios, he about sucked. A majority of the characters we’ve interacted with have been so great, especially with Munchkin’s apprehension to them. Stitch was great. Special Agent Oso tried, he really did (then he molested my friend Meredith). June from Little Einsteins was pretty cool, she even kissed Brandon’s head a second time so I could get a picture and she made sure I got the picture before she left. The Pooh characters were great – except Piglet was a moron. I told Jocelyn to get up on the chair so I could get a picture of Piglet with her, and I guess Piglet thought I asked him to pull up a seat and eat with us because he shook his head and moved the chair. Whatever. Stupid pig.

The TV in the room
Every time you turn on the TV in the room, it defaults to the “attractions” channel. Come on, people, we’re already here. We don’t need even more advertisements. Get over yourselves, Disney. You already own us, do you need our souls too?

More to come...

Oh no she didn’t

Let’s get this out of the way up front – it’s a well-known fact I hate children. Well, at least other people’s children. And I have little tolerance/patience/whatever you want to call it, for people who do not even attempt to control their children.

Even before I had Munchkin, I knew enough about kids (from all those years babysitting, I guess) that there is a very distinct difference between attempting to control your children and failing miserably (which we all do at some point), and not even trying at all.

If there’s one thing you learn very quickly in Disney World, is that some people stop trying to control their children as soon as they walk through the gates. Apparently Disney is nothing but a giant playground and policing of children is no longer necessary (after all, that’s why they pay those people to say “keep your arms, hands, feet, and legs inside the tram at all times and no flash photography” over and over again, right). There are other people, like us, who tried to control our child, but you have to admit, there are times the amazement and wonder that is the Happiest Place on Earth will get the best of any well-behaved child and turn them into a monkey. And that’s okay, we get points for trying, right?

Anyway, it’s hard not to judge others when their kids are being complete assholes. (Side note, parent fact – the way our child acts is a direct reflection on us and our parenting. If our child is a big fat fail, so are we. At least that’s how I see it. Yes, she has her own mind – and it’s stubborn as hell – but it’s my responsibility to teach her how to use it, and if I don’t, then I didn’t do my job.)

Now, when I complain about controlling kids, I’m not talking about the couple-minute temper tantrum. No one likes to listen to a screaming child, but it’s Disney – adults go into overload, there’s no way a two-year-old won’t. It’s a place designed for kids, you have to expect that (and if you didn’t, you’re an idiot). However, it’s hard not to get pissed when kids dart out in front of you without looking, they stop to gawk at something and you almost slam into them, or strollers just appear out of nowhere or run over your heels (all of these are crimes committed by adults as well).

Here’s the thing – as a parent, you get pissed when you get the nasty stare. Sometimes the nasty stare comes with words. It’s really these moments that piss you off more than others. I mean, a stranger can walk by me and think my kid’s a punk (cause, hey, sometimes she is) and think I suck, but it’s in passing and you’ll forget about me as soon as you see something else interesting. No, it’s the ones who actually go out of their way that get you, because if your mental marquee and bitch-slap reflex are going in high gear, you know theirs is too.


The stare-down
We were at Downtown Disney, just stuffed ourselves senseless at T-Rex Café, and headed back out in the pouring rain. Despite the crappy weather and missing out on Harry Potter at Universal because of said crappy weather, I was still in a pretty good mood. Not ten feet outside the entrance to T-Rex Café, a kid darts out in front of the stroller I’m pushing. My first reaction was simply, “Whoa,” which was the first noise that came out of my mouth, and it was simply done in an effort to let said kid know I was there because I didn’t want to run him over.

I turned around to make sure I didn’t clip him, and his momma was crouching down next to her stroller, and screams “KIDS!” – like that was going to corral them. But worst of all, she gave me this stare, like “How dare you say something to my kid?” Uh, I’m sorry, bitch, next time I’ll run him over and leave him with stroller tracks on his back, okay?

After the brief moment of eye contact, I turned back forward, seething. I turned back around, and we had the stare-down again. She hadn’t moved in that time, she was watching me, I guess waiting for me to U-turn and run her kid over? I’m really not sure. We made eye contact again, and it was mom vs. mom. Honestly, it took everything I had not to go over and bitch-slap her right then and there. Do NOT treat me like that when I was not judging your parenting, I was not complaining about your kid, I was simply looking out for his well-being. In fact, at this point in time, I had no issue with your child, but rather your bitchy self.

The parenting lesson
If you are friends on Facebook, you’ve seen the short version of this story.

We’re in the Atlanta airport for about a two-hour layover between flights on our way home. Jocelyn’s been pretty good, but she’s on overload – between five days at Disney and being in an airport, which is fascinating in and of itself to her – getting her to pay attention to much of anything is a neigh on impossible. Add to that the fun of being in an airport, so not only do you have to keep an eye and hand on the child at all times, but also the luggage. And dear God did we have our fair share of luggage.

Scott and I realized it was easiest to do it in stages. We found a seat, he sat with the luggage while I took the kid to go potty. We came back, and he left to go to the bathroom and get us food (dear God, I hope in that order, and I hope he washed his hands before getting food!). Once he came back, it would be about time to take her to the bathroom again, and he’d have to baby-sit the luggage. You see how this worked.

While he was off getting lunch, which took forever and a day, Munchkin was running around the terminal gate like a mad woman. Somehow or another, between our stuff, her running laps in front of the window and my placement, we managed to take up an entire row of like six seats. I told her it was time to calm down. Hahahaha! So, I informed her she had to pick a seat and stay there or she was getting a time out. I could not, nor would I, chase her all over the gate. It wasn’t fair to me, and it wasn’t fair to the other people who just wanted to read their Kindles (yeah, everyone I saw had a Kindle – no Nooks). I asked if she understood, she said yes. Hallelujah.

She picked a seat. She gave me that little look. I knew what was coming.

She scooted down to the next one. “I want this seat.”

The tired, exhausted mom in me said, “Fine. Whatever, just sit your ass down.”

The mom in me who knew better, the mom in me whose bluff has been called way more times than I care to admit, stepped up. “No, I told you to pick a seat, you moved, you’re in time out.”

Into my lap the child goes, and here comes the screaming and flailing of arms. And here come the stares from the people at the gate. The people with kids give me that empathetic look of, “been there, done that, I hate having to discipline in public.” The people without kids give me the look of “shut the kid up, would you?” (What these people don’t realize is that, give a kid like this about 30 seconds, and not only will they most likely be quiet, but much better behaved.)

In this particular instance, we had option number three. It was the bleach-blonde college chick, with the sunglasses way too big for her face (a la Paris Hilton), who Scott proclaimed to be hung over later, came up to me and actually said, “If you let her go she won’t make noises like that, she wants to run around.”

Really? That’s why my kid is pissed off? I had no freakin’ idea. I am so glad I had her there to tell me that. Shoot, Jocelyn might still be screaming her little head off it not for her.

There were so many things that ran through my head at that moment. (Bitch-slap reflex was high, but since Jocelyn has an issue with a girl at school, the last thing I needed to do was enforce the fact hitting is okay when dealing with stupidity.) Finally, I settled for the very PC, “I know that, but she can’t.”

Who the hell did this woman think she was? In the time it took her to spit out that idiotic sentence, Jocelyn stopped screaming. She was still wriggling, but at that point, that’s my problem and not hers.

Honestly, though, what the heck was her deal? Not only do I not appreciate anyone insinuating I don’t know how to control my child, but I really don’t appreciate you opening your mouth to say something that stupid. No shit the kid wants to run around. The kid wants to fly the plane too, are you going to let her? I guess this idiot would, because then, apparently, she wouldn’t “make noise.”

Furthermore, if I tell my kid she can’t do something, it is not anyone’s place to turn around and tell her she can. Especially a complete stranger.

I just got two words for you, sweetheart…