Kid Rock appeared in a DeKalb County courthouse in Decatur, Georgia, on Thursday to testify in a lawsuit stemming from a 2007 fight at a Waffle House restaurant, the Associated Press reports.
Wait, he knows where a courthouse is? I’m impressed.
Rock, whose real name is Robert James Ritchie, testified that he didn't hit Harlen Akins and that a fight hadn't even occurred until Akins provoked the singer.
Rock, whose real name proves he’s simply a cracker from Detroit, and not the badass he claims to be, testified that he didn’t hit Harlen Akins – but later admitted there was a fight and he did, in fact, beat the shit out of him. After he was provoked, of course.
Akins, however, testifies that he has no idea what set off Rock and his entourage.
Yeah, like he’s really going to say – “Well, first I told him that his music sucked and that he should go back to Detroit. Then I told him I wanted to boink his ex-wife. And then I spit in his pancakes. I have no idea why he wanted to beat the crap out of me.”
Rock testified that while certain parties of his entourage may have hit Akins, he himself never touched him. "I gave it to him verbally, I said, 'Shut your mouth, man,'" he said in court.
Whoa, wait a minute. “Shut your mouth, man” equals giving it to someone verbally? No profanity involved? No way. Not fooling me, Cowboy.
And wait, earlier in this story, it was said that a fight occurred – that implies fists were thrown. Now, it could just be poor reporting on the writer’s behalf (though, I have to admit, I find it hard to believe anyone named Jocelyn can screw something up), so who knows?
Rock, who was sentenced to a year of probation following the incident, further explained that Akins, an event promoter and caterer, angered the party after he insulted Davina Barnes, a woman with Rock's entourage, and later asked about Rock's ex-wife, Pamela Anderson. Rock explained that he and his party were acting in self-defense.
Because he insulted someone and asked about your ex-wife, and you act in self-defense? Something doesn’t add up here.
Now, honestly, you were at the Waffle House (1), you are famous (2), and you were married to Pamela Anderson (3) – how can you not expect someone to stop and ask you questions? I mean, seriously, there’s not a guy I know who wouldn’t walk up to Pamela Anderson’s ex and ask if she was, in fact, that good in the sack.
"I still don't even know what did I say to him to start this jumping on me," Akins said, adding that he was speaking to Barnes, whom he knows, regarding phone calls and text messages he had been receiving from her. He denied insulting her or asking about Anderson and said he isn't sure what happened to cause the fight.
Wait, I missed the jumping on him part. Where did that happen?
While the specifics of the incident may be questioned by both parties, both men admit to being intoxicated at the time of the incident. Rock said he had consumed more than a six-pack of beer at the time of the argument and that he was at the Waffle House celebrating the fact that his latest album had hit #1 on the charts. Atkins said he had had a few shots of cognac and had smoked marijuana.
Alright, next-to-last paragraph and we come clean – they were intoxicated. Though, I have to admit, I don’t think I’ve ever seen Kid Rock when he wasn’t just the slightest bit intoxicated. Let’s look at this a little
more in-depth though.
- He had a six-pack. Alright, for someone who drinks a lot (and I mean, a lot), how can a six-pack of beer put you in such a stupor that you get in a fight at the Waffle House?
- He went to Waffle House to celebrate an album hitting Number 1? Really? Wow. That is so white trash, it’s not even funny. (No need to point out that we’re talking about Kid Rock here, but he’s really not white trash – his daddy owned a Cadillac dealership in Detroit, he grew up pretty well off – he just plays white trash.)
- The guy who doesn’t remember what he did to provoke a fight had some shots of cognac and smoked pot. Are we surprised he doesn’t remember anything? I’m sure he only remembers he was at the Waffle House that night because it keeps appearing in the news.
Are we sure he didn’t go to the hospital that night because of a heart attack induced by the grease from the Waffle House? Note to stoner: Just because you run into some “celebrity” at the Waffle House does not mean you can extort him to pay for your heart attack. Sorry, doesn’t work that way.
Alright, maybe he was really injured, and that’s cool – but why sue Kid Rock if it was, in fact, members of his entourage (according to Kid, anyway) who actually hit the moronic stoner? Why does Kid Rock have to be held responsible for actions members of his party took part in – they are adults, they know better (or do they?), and they should be held responsible.
Then again, this is America. I’m sure the next lawsuit this idiot will file is against Waffle House to pay for an angioplasty or something.
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