Cake decorating is definitely not in my future

Scratch cake decorating off the list of "jobs to search for." I am officially a crap cake decorator.

I've tried piping, but my hand's not that steady and I always managed to screw some letter up, spell something wrong, or whatever. So, I always end up taking a knife to whatever I piped and smearing it all over, creating a tye-dye effect. ("Yeah, that's what I was going for, really.")

After watching more "Food Network Challenge" than any one human should ever watch, I decided I'd try fondant. Come on, how hard can it be?

So, the first attempt involved a ladybug. Seriously, ladybugs are so easy to draw, I can surely do one in cake. I figure out the necessary shape I need to carve the cake into and I take a knife and get started. Somehow what I got looked more like a bat than a ladybug ... on top of that, it started to fall apart when I was cutting so I lost more than originally intended. Sigh. Well, perhaps fondant can fix it.

So, I add black food coloring to white fondant and get started. I get black fondant alright. And black handles to my rolling pin. And black hands. And a black silicone mat. But hey, the most important thing was that I succeeded at something - black fondant. Woohoo. So I put it on the cake and it actually went on pretty easy. But now the cake looked even more like a bat. Sigh.

I then get out the red fondant and roll it out. I cover part of the cake to make the wings. I go to cut out holes to show the black underneath for the spots, but my circles come out more oval ... more eye-shaped. Great, so now the spots on my ladybug are staring at you. Fantastic. I cut a little too much of the fondant off when shaping the wings, but oh well. You can still tell it's a ladybug.

Well, now I have to make sure the head looks like a head. I cut two pieces of licorice and put them on the head as antennae. Smart move, except that ladybug antennae aren't that thick and aren't red. Oh well, you work with what you have. Alright, so now she needs eyes. What do I have. Quick look around - Whoppers! Awesome. Well, you can't just have eyes and antennae, you must have a mouth. Grab some licorice shoestrings and add a mouth. Step back, ladybug face complete - but damn it's scary looking. Wow, ladybugs are supposed to be sweet and cute - not eerie and ghoulish. ("It's October, Halloween is coming, I made it freaky on purpose.")

Alas, we learn fondant tastes like crap after that venture. My friend introduces me to the joy that is marshmallow fondant - and I can even make it myself. So, enter attempt number two.

I make my cakes and let them cool. Then I make the fondant and put it in the fridge to set up a little bit. Then I'm ready to go.

I'm going to make a ghost this time, simply because I don't feel like dealing with food coloring. I get my knife and start carving. I carve off the sides to straighten them out - and just because I'm channeling my inner Pac-Man, I do some little waves at the bottom of the ghost. The cake starts to fall apart. (Note to self: Trying to make cake more healthy by using diet soda instead of eggs and oil, while it tastes fine, is not easy to carve or frost. STOP USING IT!) I give up on the waves at the bottom of the ghost and cut them off. My ghost just abruptly stops. Yeah, well, maybe Pac-Man ate off the bottom of him but he got away. ("It could happen!")

I roll out my fondant and cover the cake. I manage to cover it with the fondant, but since I had such a hard time getting the frosting on the cake without it falling apart, I can't get the fondant to stick. Enter the put-icing-on-finger-and-sliding-necessary-frosting-under-the-fondant trick. Messy, but hey, it works. Pseudo-ghost cake covered in white fondant. Whew!

Every ghost needs big, empty, hollow eyes, right? Well, I find something that will make a nice template and make two round indentations on the pseudo-ghost and grab some of my chocolate frosting to fill in the circles. But I apparently can't color inside the lines and chocolate frosting gets all over, and the eyes are no longer symmetrical. Well, ghosts don't need symmetrical eyes, right?

At this point I'm so frustrated I just give up. Screw it. I get some plastic wrap and cover it. Completely forgetting there's frosting on top, and as soon as the plastic wrap hits the frosting and moves just the slightest bit, we have chocolate frosting everywhere. What somewhat resembled eyes now resembles one giant brown blob in his "forehead" region. Well, maybe he's a cyclops.

Stupid cake decorating.

The good news is the cake should taste fantastic. Chocolate cake, marshmallow and graham cracker crumbs in the middle, with chocolate frosting and marshmallow fondant. Yum! Guess making stuff taste good is the only skill I have in a kitchen. But if I had to choose one, I'll go with making it taste good ... nothing worse than seeing something pretty and having it taste like crap. And if someone doesn't want to eat it because it looks bad - well, you know, more for me! ("Oh but I'm dieting. Foiled again!")